Sunday, 2 June 2013
Its another negative :-((
I knew it was going to be a negative test, I just knew it. :-( But it doesn't make it any easier.
I've had no symptoms other than what I've already mentioned and that hasn't been a lot and really I just haven't felt pregnant, not that I know what that's like anyway.
I'm so upset, I got out of bed to do the test then got straight back into bed and just cried. It really is a desperately sad moment each time there's a negative, I just have no idea whether this is ever going to work, if I could see into the future and see if this could ever happen then I'd feel better I'm sure, but that's just not possible and I live in the never knowing. I just so desperately want this to happen and I know without a shadow of a doubt that I can provide a safe and loving home for a child, it may not be the richest home but it will be the most loving.
In the meantime though it hasn't worked for me again and I'm absolutely devastated. I spoke to my aunt and got very woe is me and depressive and upset on the phone. I know that's a very dangerous road to take and I know without a doubt that I have to keep sane here, I have to keep myself from going insane and really loosing it after each let down but it is hard, very very hard. It's very hard to put into words how I'm feeling right now, I feel complete loss for what could have been and I feel sad, desperate and depressed, this is such a tough journey and I thought this time I had a real chance.
I let everyone know via text and email and phone call then set about getting myself together to head off to the allotment again. Anything to keep me busy. I'm really not in the mood for anyone saying anything stupid or doing annoying to me today so be warned!
After months and months of next doors dog barking and howling all day I finally got really pissed off this morning when it started at 7am, and went round to speak to them just to be faced with a barrage of aggression from my neighbours mother!! Really don't mess with me today, not today of all days!! I gave as good as I got and hopefully made her feel really stupid after asking her several times to not be so aggressive. Bloody stupid dog!
Down at the allotment there's the usual suspects and I really don't have a lot of time for anyone today but I'm trying, just don't say anything stupid to me and we'll be just fine.