A trip to London and the CRGH

After much research and looking at different success rates and fertility forums I've decided on the CRGH up in London for another opinion. This is going to be my third opinion! A part of me wonders if I really am flogging a dead horse here, I mean really what can they tell me new? How can my hormone levels possibly be different and therefore better?
I had an appointment today with Dr Irfana Koita-Kazi, I've chose to have an appointment with her based purely on her expertise with women of suboptimal ovarian reserve which I believe is me. The appointment was at 12.00 and it's a two and a half hour journey to get there, it sounds crazy doesn't it but they have such great success rates that I have to give it a go.

Dr Irfana was very nice and very optimistic which is nice to see, one thing she did say that I think will always stay with me, when I told her that the last clinic told me that I may be entering the menopause she replied we were all entering the menopause! I thought that was really nice of her and really optimistic, that's what I need.
Dr Irfana described to me Natural Cycle IVF, this is where no drugs are used and you rely purely on the body for selecting the one good quality egg and going from there. Of course there are pros and cons but it's another avenue to look at which is what I wanted. The doctor at the last clinic said it was my egg quality that was the problem and Dr Irfana said that when you do regular IVF and produce multiple eggs the egg quality could diminish and so by focusing on just one egg there is a far better chance of a good quality egg. Lets hope so.
She explained that there are chances when at different stages along the way the cycle may not continue, either the follicle contains no egg, or the follicle isn't growing, or if they do get an egg then it may not fertilise and if it does it may not continue to grow for three days and if it does it may not implant. Lots and lots of ifs but I'm willing to give it a go, I'm willing to put my trust in someone with more optimism. :-)
The doctor went on to explain that on the second day of my period I would need to come up to the clinic for the usual blood test and scan to check follicles and hormone levels then from day 7/8 I would need to come up everyday until the follicle reaches the desired size when i would then have a day off before needing to be at the clinic again for egg collection, then hopefully if an egg is collected and fertilised it would be transferred back in three days later. Ok......lets get started!

Oops first though I need to transfer the two vials of sperm I have on ice in Brighton.

Next attempt

It's been a relatively quiet week after the family left and I've been looking forward with great hope to my next period (now that does sound mad doesn't it?!) to see if I can start treatment again. I'm even more determined now, I'm determined that one way or another I'm going to have a child and god help anyone who stands in my way! 

Today I went along for yet another blood test and scan and they rang me late this afternoon with the results.
My FSH is 16.7 which is too high for treatment but as well as that they said that another hormone they tested, LH I believe, was getting quite high and they wouldn't recommend treatment with those values anyway, the nurse then went on to say that my hormone levels were indicative of entering the menopause! What?? I'm 40 FFS! And really do they really think that was the best way to tell someone over the phone? I was really shocked. My LH is something that hasn't been mentioned before and basically I had absolutely no idea what she was talking about. Of course she said it didn't necessarily meant the menopause but hey the damage is done now, the seed of worry has been planted and now I have to try and process that! Thanks a lot guys!! :-(( I'm really not happy with them at all and of course I then started to think perhaps I sould have just gone for treatment last month after all, at least then my FSH was a little lower, from what they were saying this afternoon it may now just be too late! :-((

On that note I've decided to change clinics. I like the one I'm at, I do, at times (!), but I just don't think that really they're looking at the whole picture and I'm not sure they're that interested in me as a person, I think it's just facts and figures to them. Not all of us fit into a mould though and sometimes miracles do happen, just not there!

Family visit

This month has been really busy with my family visiting from America. I've been off of work for a bit too which has been nice, it's given me a chance to recharge my batteries and take a look at whats really going on in my life.

One of my options at the end of a long list of children options is adoption  and being around my nieces this month really gave me some perspective on that I think. I know they're my nieces and obviously related to me but they're not actually mine and the last couple of weeks with them has made me realise that I can love a child really really deeply that isn't biologically mine. I now that might sound a bit crazy but a fear I had/have when looking into egg donation and/or adoption is that I wonder if the child would ever really feel like mine, I wonder if I would ever love them the same as if they were biologically mine, the last thing I would ever what to do with any of the processes I'm going through or intend to go through is damage an innocent child. A child that I have is going to have a hard enough journey anyway I think due to the circumstances surrounding it's arrival and the last thing I would ever want to do is make life harder for them but I can honestly say I feel lighter having had them all to visit, I'm confident that I will feel the same as any other mum, that I will love a child that I have been given to care for which ever way they've come to me and they can have as happy a life as any other child. I know I can do this.

Thanks for your visit brother it really meant a lot. :-))

Next try

I've had to take tablets again in the run up to my period, it's just so they can regulate completely when my period is due. I've decided this time that my FSH has to be considerably lower than 15 for me to go through it all again. The thing is as long as it is under 15 you can be treated and they're more than happy to take your money but the reality of it is that the higher the FSH the lower the chance of success is.

Today I went along to the clinic for a scan and blood test to see how it's all looking. I'm feeling like a regular there now. It's July and I've been going there since January, I really never thought it would take this long to get pregnant, I knew when I went to see the doctor in Eastbourne that it wasn't looking good for me but still I thought I might be one of the lucky ones, after all, why not, why not me?!

This evening the clinic called me and it's not good news. My FSH was 14.2 so whilst it is under 15 not by very much at all.The first month I tried treatment back in March and they cancelled the cycle and I had IUI instead my FSH was 14.8 so based purely on that I've decided to not go ahead with treatment this month and wait till next month and see what my hormones are doing then.

This is the one and only time that I wished the time between periods was shorter! Its such a loing wait between appointments when all you want to do is get started again. The thing is the doctor said that this should really be my last attempt so I'm keen to make it a good go, to give myself every possible oportunity that I can. I deserve that after all! :-)

In the meantime I'm constantly googling supplements that I can take and different alternative medicines I can explore. Anything really. My latest is Chinese Medicine.
I've been going to a Tai Chi class at my local gym and the guy who runs that class is also a chinese medicine doctor. He seems like a nice guy so I'm going to give him a go. I'll let you know!

I've also got family coming over from America this month too, it's my brother and his family and I haven't seen them in two years so I'm really looking forward to it and I know it'll give me something to take my mind off of the last 7 months treatment. Hes got two little girls so as well I know I'll be looking at them and wondering about my dreams.

Follow up appointment

I was really heartbroken about my last attempt not working and I honestly thought it must be that there was a problem with implantation but after going back to see the doctor she told me that it was the quality of my eggs that was the problem! Well that was a massive blow. Thats really was like telling me to forget it you have no chance, you're too old and way past it, I was really upset by what she was saying and tried to understand it but struggled with the facts to be honest. The doctor has suggested that I could give it another go if I wanted but that after that she realy didn't think it was worth it. I feel like that is a real sentence, that the next time is my very last go then forget it. If money was no object I'd just keep going and going because after all it's got to work at some point hasn't it? But here she is telling me that really the chances are that it wont!

I've decided to have another go (I know I'll just keep trying and trying) and see what happens and then go from there but I guess the reality is that I have to think properly about egg donation. In the meantime though I just need to wait until my next period.

Back to it all then

I had a really lovely time in London with my friends, we hired a Barclays Boris bike for me (they both have bikes) and we cycled everywhere. Michael is a great tour guide, pointing out places here and there. I told him and his partner about what I've been doing and why and they were very supportive, it was just really nice to get it off my chest to be honest. It's not a massive secret and if I do conceive then of course it wont be a secret but the thing is it may not even happen so the few people as possible that know the few people  as possible that I have to tell it hasn't worked!
It was great mentally to have a break away, I think if I'd have stayed at home I would have got really down about everything. I am down, don't get me wrong but coming up to London has allowed me to relax a bit and see what else there is in the world. Thank you Michael, I really needed it. :-)

Feeling a little better

After yesterday I wasn't sure I'd feel so good today but surprisingly after a good nights sleep I feel as good as I can do I think. I did another pregnancy test this morning just in case.......still negative though. :-((
Although I don't feel quite so sad and desperate as I did yesterday I still feel a little hopeless and I'm just so scared that this is never going to work for me and that I'm never going to have the chance to have a child of my own. That scars the hell out of me, it really does.

This afternoon dad and I went down to the allotment again to do a few bits and pieces, as I've said before this is good for me really, I enjoy doing the allotment and it keeps me nice and busy, it's a solitary thing really apart from with dad but that's still fine it keeps me busy and that's the main thing.

Tomorrow I'm off to London for a couple of days to see a friend, I'm really looking forward to that too and again it'll be another chance to take my mind of off everything else that's going on. I've also made another appointment at the clinic for a follow up and to see what happens now, that's next Wednesday.

Its another negative :-((

I knew it was going to be a negative test, I just knew it. :-( But it doesn't make it any easier.
I've had no symptoms other than what I've already mentioned and that hasn't been a lot and really I just haven't felt pregnant, not that I know what that's like anyway.

I'm so upset, I got out of bed to do the test then got straight back into bed and just cried. It really is a desperately sad moment each time there's a negative, I just have no idea whether this is ever going to work, if I could see into the future and see if this could ever happen then I'd feel better I'm sure, but that's just not possible and I live in the never knowing. I just so desperately want this to happen and I know without a shadow of a doubt that I can provide a safe and loving home for a child, it may not be the richest home but it will be the most loving.
In the meantime though it hasn't worked for me again and I'm absolutely devastated. I spoke to my aunt and got very woe is me and depressive and upset on the phone. I know that's a very dangerous road to take and I know without a doubt that I have to keep sane here, I have to keep myself from going insane and really loosing it after each let down but it is hard, very very hard. It's very hard to put into words how I'm feeling right now, I feel complete loss for what could have been and I feel sad, desperate and depressed, this is such a tough journey and I thought this time I had a real chance.

I let everyone know via text and email and phone call then set about getting myself together to head off to the allotment again. Anything to keep me busy. I'm really not in the mood for anyone saying anything stupid or doing annoying to me today so be warned!

After months and months of next doors dog barking and howling all day I finally got really pissed off this morning when it started at 7am, and went round to speak to them just to be faced with a barrage of aggression from my neighbours mother!! Really don't mess with me today, not today of all days!! I gave as good as I got and hopefully made her feel really stupid after asking her several times to not be so aggressive. Bloody stupid dog!

Down at the allotment there's the usual suspects and I really don't have a lot of time for anyone today but I'm trying, just don't say anything stupid to me and we'll be just fine.

A car show

Today we had a car show. I did a pregnancy test in the morning and it was negative but I'm still hopeful that this cycle may have worked I mean it's still a couple of days before I'm actually supposed to do the test although if I'm totally honest I don't think it has worked again.

The car show was nice as usual. The weather was nice and very hot when the sun was out. Again there were a few people there we knew and do you know what, I really am fed up with people asking me about my job, 'been anyway nice recently', that's all they ever ask and it really is getting very boring now, especially after 17 years!! I'm not a major fan of my job anymore and I'd love to leave but to do what?? Anything, at least then they'd stop asking the stupid questions.
Sadly I don't think that's an option right now and for now I have to keep flying!

I sound really narky at the moment don't I? I'm not usually, usually I'm very calm but with all this that's going on I'm feeling stressed and I really just have energy for the IVF at the moment, that's all and nothing more.

Trying to stay calm and collected

It really is a bit of a battle trying to stay calm and positive at times but I really am doing the best I can.

Today was another day at the allotment, it's good for my sanity.....I hope. I think the potatoes are nearly ready which is very exciting and I don't think it'll be long before the onions and garlic are ready. All very exciting really.

Tonight I'm out watching an ABBA tribute band which should be great fun and will make a change as I haven't been out anywhere in quite a while. It's so annoying really, I spend all this time off work and actually do not a lot!

Either way I'm back to work next week, I don't want to go and I'm certainly not looking forward to it but until I can find something else to pay the bills then I've got o do it. It does always amaze me though, I have all these plans for when I'm off of all the things I'm going to do and all the things I'm going to sort out and once again I don't actually seem to have done many of them. Some of them yes, but not all of them. I have leave coming up as well next month and I have absolutely no plans in place at the moment, I'd love to go to Scotland for some walking but with what money and with whom?? I'll have a think about it.

Another day of no symptoms or maybe there was!

Well as the title says, another day of no symptoms or maybe there was and maybe I'm missing them or putting them down as something else.
My uncle visited today and as I was just sitting in the house doing nothing just chatting I felt a little dizzy and lightheaded which apparently could be a sign and before he arrived I felt a little dizzy upstairs and lost my balance a little. Is this in fact a sign or is this just me? Oh I don't know.
I had a couple of very small stomach twinges and a little more discharge today but other than that not a great deal going on. 
The evidence does say that only from tomorrow does the hormone that's produced in pregnancy begin to enter the blood stream but I'm still going to do a test in the morning I think.
This really is a hard wait.

No embryos in the freezer :-(

I did a test this morning when I got up and it's definitely negative so the trigger shot has definitely left my body now. Now I just need another positive pleeeeeeeeeaaaaasssssseeee!! :-)))

The clinic didn't call last night so first thing this morning I called them again and actually got someone rather than an answer machine which makes a change. They did apologise for not calling me Saturday or yesterday to let me know the details but the end result is that unfortunately they were not able to freeze either of my remaining embryos. It's a huge disappointment I can't deny it, I was really hoping that I'd get another chance at this if this chance doesn't work but sadly not.  :-(

But on the up side, the embryologist told me that one of the embryos did actually reach blastocyst which is where they want them to reach but that sadly it just wasn't good enough to freeze and the other one reached one stage below blastocyst so that's good news and of course the hope is that the two better quality embryos that were transferred would have definitely reached blastocyst as the better place is in my body apparently so the hope is that they also implant ok. I really do have everything crossed at the moment.

I've had mild twinges today in my lower tummy and I had some white discharge again but apart from that I can't say there's been any symptoms at all. Of course I'm trying not to read too much on the internet but it does seem that other people have had some symptoms by now, a bit of sickness or changes in their boobs. I'm really trying to stay positive but it is hard. I still  think there's every chance this can work, I mean why wouldn't it? Good embryos, good conditions, what can possibly go wrong?? I just wish I was feeling something or wish I had some kind of insight into the future to see if this will ever work for me. I wish I had a crystal ball!!

A little nauseous!

Ok perhaps I'm reading things in to everything now, I don't know.
The last couple of nights have been disturbed sleep for me I've been very hot at night and waking up several times, it could well be all of the procedure on my mind not helping or it could be something else, something better!
This morning though I woke up and after I got moving a bit started to feel a bit sicky. Not a lot but a little bit and although it has subsided a bit during the day it does keep coming back. I'm really struggling food wise to know what I want to eat from one day to the next and the sicky feeling doesn't help at the moment. I don't know why, I'm just finding I have no enthusiasm for food at the moment at all. I attempted a quiche yesterday but it just really wasn't as good as I thought it would have been and then I worried that I hadn't cooked it properly. I've really got to do better with food, I'm supposed to have protein every day but I'm just not liking meat really at the moment, of course if someone was to cook me a gorgeous roast chicken dinner I wouldn't turn it down! No hope of that then. Ha ha!!

On another note, the clinic was supposed to let me know on Saturday if my other two embryos were freezable or not and they didn't, so this afternoon I called them up and left a message on the answer phone and as of 5.15 pm they haven't called me back. It's things like that that I find really annoying in life in general.  If you say you're going to let someone know something then let them know, and if they then call you up because you haven't let them know then the least you can do is call them back isn't it??

A little discharge (TMI, sorry)

It's bank holiday this weekend and today is set to be another gorgeous day. Dad and I have a car run today which should be nice in this weather. We're taking my car this time as we took dads for a car show a few weeks ago. So off we go and not too early which is always good.

The roads are crazily busy and the run takes us down through Hastings seafront, I'm not sure that was the best idea. The road was solid with traffic and we even had a slight alteration with a couple of very stupid, immature, horrible little boys in the car behind because they didn't realise it was my right of way! What I should have done was get out and told them exactly what was what but I guess it's only afterwards you ever think about these things and all the cutting things you could have said to them. ;-)

The car run was lovely, me and dad had a good time together after we'd both got over the shock of the two nasties. We stopped off at a farm shop for a coffee and then at Bodiam castle for the finish and a lunch stop which was lovely, it's a lovely spot and it was so busy with families and couples, I think I'll have to ear mark this place for when my family from America come to visit in a couple of months.
Then after we'd had lunch and a bit of a wander around we found out that we'd won! It's really finny cause we were joking about it earlier in the day as the prize is usually a bottle of wine and of course dad doesn't like wine and I'm not drinking at the moment but it turned out the prize was a packet of Twixs, in actual fact two packets of Twixs, so good all round.

We made a steady run back home and its amazing how much petrol these old cars use up cause it was only when we were nowhere near a petrol station that I realised we had almost no fuel! It's a little like the story of my life to be honest, I have a bit of a history with vehicles and running very low on fuel, never out of fuel but at times worryingly low in fuel. This time we were lucky though and managed to make it home to the first petrol station almost on fumes!

Not my car! 

Geared up with more fuel we decide to pop down to the allotment to give it another water. It's meant to rain tomorrow but seeing as the plants have only just gone in yesterday I really think they should have a good chance and a good watering. the allotments were quite busy but then it was a lovely day. We'd only gone down to water but of course the hose point was busy for a good half hour so we just chatted to some of the others and good news, I finally got a chance to say to my neighbour about a communal footpath and how he's supposed to leave a foot his side as I've left a foot my side. I've been a bit nervous about mentioning it to them as I really don't want them to think I'm being petty or silly but the thing is I've already given up a foot my side for a path and effectively lost that foot if they don't then do the same. Manwell first said he'd heard whispers about it but didn't think it actually had to happen but then his partner, Gail, who had overheard us came over and said oh yes they knew about it and would be doing it at some point. I said of course there's no rush but I just didn't know if they knew about it. Hopefully it all came across ok because the last thing you want is to fall out with your allotment neighbours isn't it? They seemed happy though and they're friendly enough which of course is nice. Lets see if it happens, I'm in absolutely no rush but if I'm honest I would like it to happen and then it's all exactly how it's meant to be. :-)

I almost forgot to write about the title of this post! Ha ha!
So we'd been sitting in the car most of the day which I'm not sure had an impact or not but I noticed some white discharge, now I know that really is way too much information but I usually only get it when I'm ovulating so immediately I got the chance I was on google and it says it could be a very early sign of pregnancy! :-)) Of course that's fantastic news, the best news ever but as well I'm not counting any chickens yet as other websites said that other women had had this but weren't then pregnant. So many websites and so much information it's really hard at times to know what's right and what's wrong and of course at the end of the day every woman is different and react differently to pregnancies but that's interesting news isn't it? I think there's a very good chance I'm going to do another test in the next couple of days. ;-)

Not much time to stand still

I'm doing my best to keep busy and take my mind off of it all at the moment. I know that's the best away forward for me, I'm not one for sitting around doing nothing and just thinking about what could or couldn't happen, that's just a disaster for me but sometimes as well it's difficult to know what to do to keep busy. I have a mountain of things I should be doing at home but it's hard to get motivated sometimes, I'm better being out and about I think.

So today I'm off for probably a full day on the allotment. Some books and websites tell you that after embryo transfer there should be at least two days of bed rest and then just take it easy after that but my clinic just said take it easy for the day or transfer and then carry on as normal after that and after popping to see my acupuncturist on Thursday she said that light gardening is ok so here I go.

I got down to the allotment by about 11.30 and made a start, it's looking to be a lovely day, nice and warm although a little windy as usual. I've got lots of weeding to do around the potatoes, there's a real sense of achievement when it's all looking nice again and weed free and the potatoes are looking amazing as is everything else actually. It's not easy work though so I don't know about light gardening although I do take it as easy as I can. Dad came down around 12 ish and we set about finishing off the bug house, it looks fantastic now and all ready for the bugs to start moving in, it even has a beautiful tiled roof, thanks dad!

                                                                My beautiful bug house

My aunt popped down about 2 and after a sit down and a chat she then gave me a hand planting the plants she'd bought me back from holiday as well as the few I still had left trying to grow at home. Now all I have at home is leeks, some eggplant and 3 tomato plants. I'm really holding out for a proper green house that I can have at the allotment which would be great for tomato plants and growing seeds next time around. Next year when the label says grow inside I'm not going to take it quite so by the book and will sow the seeds in a greenhouse instead! This year all my seeds I grew inside first and I think it was just too hot for them and they've all grown leggy and probably won't do too much to be honest, I've planted them anyway though so we'll see.

We finished off at the allotment at 7pm!! And by the time I got home I barely had the energy to get some fish and chips before a shower and bed, I was shattered and considering I hadn't actually done any digging or planting I dread to think how my aunt's feeling.

A test too early.

So talking of too early I decided to do a pregnancy test, the first of which I did the day before embryo transfer! Ha ha, that's crazy I know and completely pointless but I just wanted to see if the trigger shots really did show a positive result for a few days after and guess what?? They do! So at least that's confirmed that. It was a very faint line but a line all the same. Some women test out the trigger shot just so they know when the drug has left their body and that any pregnancy result after that would be a real one. I'll probably do that but I'm not sure I'll be that obsessed with it to be honest, after all what will be, will be right?
Although I also did another test this morning. I thought the drug would have completely left by now but it hadn't and then looking online it seems it could take a few more days yet.

Today I'm off to a Beer and Cider festival which is a bit ironic really as I neither like either and of course at the moment I'm not even drinking either but it was a new festival and a couple of friends were going so I thought it'd be nice to sit in the sun and listen to some live music. I was really hoping that they'd have some nice apple juices like other cider producers I know of but sadly not and the only alternative was coke, diet coke, lemonade or water so after I'd drunk as many lemonades as physically possible I moved back on to the water and listened to the music whilst trying to stay warm. In the sun it was beautiful but behind the clouds that kept going by it was freezing. The great British weather huh??

It was a lovely day though and topped off by the sunshine carnival at 4pm! Which the only people I'd say had any sunshine in them were the Harley Davidson riders, some of the dancers were seriously miserable, oh well you can't have it all I guess.

The day after

Today was a bit of a funny day.
I really wanted to get out and go for a walk along the seafront but it's been raining all day and not even very warm, crazy for the end of May.
Instead I sorted out a few bits at home, made banana bread for the first time and generally did not a lot. That's never a good thing for me but I wasn't feeling on top of the world so I think for one day it's ok.

I've had a few twinges in my lower stomach and been feeling a bit nauseous, my stomach is still quite swollen and bloated but guess I'm not helping it too much by eating banana bread! ;-) and I also had a tiny tiny bit of spotting but I know really it's way too early to have any symptoms but a girl can live in hope right?? :-)

The big day - embryo transf

My appointment at the clinic is at 10.50 today and I want to make sure we get there in plenty of time so dad is coming down super early and we're heading off. Thing is I forgot it's the Antique Roadshow on the seafront today and the roads are snarled. I get a very panicked call from dad as I'm having a very calming shower to say he's stuck in traffic but fortunately I think he was a little worried of being late more than anything and he was here 15 minutes later, still plenty of time for us to get there.

In the car on the way over I take my diazepan pill and hope to hope it's going to work, I've never taken anything like that before so I have no idea what it's supposed to do or how I'm supposed to feel but I don't really care as long as the procedure goes ok and without a hitch.

The reason for a full bladder is so they can use an ultrasound to help them see where it's all going. When I went back to the doctor for my follow up appointment she did say then that if we had to go down the IUI road again then it would be ultrasound guided so hopefully that makes things lots easier.

As soon as I arrived I was called through to the first room I was in before and asked to change into a gown and dressing gown again. I was actually expecting to see people here that were here on Monday for their egg retrieval but it seems I 'm the only one, that's a bit odd isn't it? So then the mind starts to wander and I'm thinking if they're not in today then they must be on the 5 day transfer, but why? I don't understand a lot about it all to be honest but it seems to be a 3 or 5 day transfer and when I asked the nurse she said it depends on the development of the embryos and how many eggs are collected. If you don't get many eggs then they want to put something back and if they wait till 5 days then there may not be anything. Ok, that kinda makes sense but I also know the lady in the cubicle next to me got 6 eggs, just one more than me so I wonder why she's not back. Of course as well there's a possibility that perhaps sadly none of her eggs fertilised, I really do hope that wasn't the case. Of course that's a real worry and has been for me, in fact it's a real worry at every step. For me I wondered if they might not even get any eggs, then when they got 5 that was amazing, then there's the thought that they may not fertilise, then of course when 4 did that was fantastic again and then there was the worry again that the 4 may not survive till Thursday!! So many things going on in your mind, so many possibilities and so many what ifs.

So I don't know why I seem to be the only one there this morning, I'm just grateful that I am.
After I'd changed into the gown the nurse came and spoke to me and said there'd be a bit of a wait before I went through, that's fine but I'm just worried about getting too full a bladder and then weeing when they insert the spectrum. I don't know how long I waited but the nurse kept coming back in and I kept hearing people going back and forth in the corridor but still no more women into the waiting area.

After what turned out to be an hour, I think, the nurse popped in again and asked me if I needed the loo, she said I could let a little out and I have to say I was glad of the opportunity, I may have let out a little more than I should of but I was expecting to go back into the waiting room again so could drink more water but as I came out of the toilet the nurse was there to bring me into the theatre area.

There was just two nurses and the embryologist there, no doctors or anything and it was quite relaxed and informal. Within a couple of minutes I was on my back again with my legs in stirrups and I'd say within about 10 minutes it was all over. I wish smears could be like that.

The embryologist told me that they were transferring two embryos, one was an 8 cell and the other a 6 cell. I have to say it doesn't really mean a lot to me as I don't really understand it all but he assured me that that was very good, later when I looked it up on line it was in fact very good. Apparently 8 cell is exactly where they want an embryo at 3 days to be. Yipeee, please let this be it.

Fortunately I didn't have to have too full a bladder and they were able to see everything perfectly, one nurse was doing the ultrasound while the other inserted the spectrum and then the catheter. That all went swimmingly. Last night I did some tapping (!), I'm trying desperately to make my situation and the way I feel about some things better and I was advised to try some tapping about the procedure and it should help so I don't know if it was that or whether it was the diazepan or both, I don't know and it doesn't really matter, either way it worked. The embryologist then passed the nurse the tube with the two embryos in and they were inserted easy and quickly, they even gave me a picture from the ultrasound which was a really nice touch I thought.

As soon as it was done I was up and allowed to finish off going to the loo! Some sites and accounts I've read on the internet say you're asked to lay flat for an hour and then you've got to have 2 days of bed rest. Well that definitely wasn't the case here. I'm glad really as two days of bed rest would have been awful for me. It is a bit strange though as when I had the IUI I was told to lay still for 15 minutes but with this procedure straight away I was up and getting dressed.

Dad was waiting in the waiting room for me and apparently when he dozed off one of the receptionist asked him if he was ok, and I guess just checking he wasn't dead! Oh dear, poor dad.

We stopped off again on the way home for a sandwich and then later in the afternoon dad took me to my acupuncturist appointment and that's it, I really have done absolutely everything I possibly could. Now I just have to wait. I take a test a week Monday, the 3rd June. Wish me luck.

Tears before bedtime

I have to be honest there were tears before bedtime last night! I know it's crazy isn't it? I should be over the moon and I am, really I am, it just kinda hit home a bit how much I was on my own with it all.
I was speaking to my aunt who's away at the moment and I just got really tearful and emotional......again!
But this morning I'm back on track again and feeling ok again. :-) (ish!)

I'm going back to the clinic again on Thursday for embryo transfer which is very exciting. Although as well, I'm nervous about the procedure. Anyone reading this is probably thinking to themselves that I seem to be nervous about everything and it does sound like it doesn't it, but I'm not really I'm just not great with medical procedures.

Before my last cycle they tried to do a mock transfer to make sure they could actually do it ok and they couldn't. So I had to come back on another day to have another go, they managed it but it took a while and then for the IUI they had real difficulty again and it took about 45 minutes!! 45 minutes with my legs in stirrups and all my bits on show! Not nice. Apparently I have an 'S' bend cervix! So this time I can honestly saw I was dreading it, added to which I'm supposed to have a full bladder as well. This is for the woman who wees a ridiculous amount of times a day, actually I might make a note of just how many times a day it is I go, I know it's far more than lots of other people but then that could be all the water I'm drinking lately.
Anyway the whole procedure I'm a bit anxious about and for that they've prescribed me some diazepan to take before hand. It means my poor dad has to take me in again because I can't drive but I'm sure he doesn't mind too much and it's not like it happens frequently is it?

So I'm booked in for tomorrow morning and I'm really excited, it could be really happening couldn't it? :-))

WOW!!!!!!

WOW!!! I can't believe it. The clinic called at 10.30am to say that four of my five eggs have fertilised. I just can't believe it, that's just fantastic news it really is. Even the embryologist said it was fantastic. I'm so excited and finally a bit hopeful I think, I hope I'm not headed for a bigger fall, I've got to think positively, I really have. But that really is fantastic news, it means all isn't lost, that getting pregnant is still a viable possibility.

The weather again is pants today and I'm not sure what to do with myself. I feel fine and I'm excited about the news but it's still quite difficult for me to get really excited and happy about things and I do wonder why that is. I've been like that since breaking up with my ex, I feel like I can't snap out of it, what ever 'it' is! It's horrible, I really don't want to feel like this, I really don't and I'm really trying to feel better but it's hard. I lead a very lonely life so there's not really a lot of fun in my life, I don't know why my life is like it is, I really don't, over the years I've had friends but for one reason or another they've always gone by the wayside. I'm a very happy and full of life person when I'm with friends so it's not like I'm always unhappy when I'm around people but for some reason people just don't stay in my life for long! :-((  Anyway I really can't think of that right now, I have to concentrate on feeling good about life. :-)

So today dad popped in to see how I was and we popped to the allotment. I kinda think it would have been nice if he'd called last night to see how I was but I expect he thought I was sleeping, and of course I never heard from my brother, just got a short text from my aunt and a phone call from my uncle asking if I'll be about on Thursday and when will I know if I'm here or not!! You can see I'm really on my own here can't you??
After our allotment visit again dad doesn't really know what to do or say so heads off. Normally I'm totally fine with the way he and how the rest of the family are but when I'm going through something important I just kinda expect them to step up to the mark more and of course they don't. One day perhaps I'll learn.

It's a friends birthday today so I arranged to pop up to give her a card and a bottle of wine. I think in fact it was the same bottle of  wine another 'friend' gave me for my 40th! I can't imagine it's a decent one at all. I was disappointed to find that another mutual friend of ours who has moved away had been to visit and hadn't been in touch, just another example of how people don't seem to want to be in touch with me. And the bizarre thing is that this friend who visited went through IVF last year and I've been in touch with her about it all so for her to visit and not been in touch is a little bit of a blow but common practice if I'm honest. I just don't know what I do wrong. :-(( But as I said I really need to concentrate on myself now and the possibility of new life, I can't worry about what makes people behave in the way they do, I need to just concentrate on how I behave.

Egg collection

Today is the big day of egg collection and I'm excited and as I said nervous as well.
I'm nervous about the anesthetic first of all as I know I get a bit panicky when I feel I'm out of control. People feel similar when they're afraid of flying and that's uncontrollable, it's the unknown and being out of control I think. It's not like trying to fall asleep naturally, someone just puts you to sleep and it's pretty scary to be honest.

The staff at the clinic are very good and very kind. Dad took me in and waited for me throughout reading his book and snoozing!
As I said the clinic is very nice but I actually think they could have done a little better with privacy to be fair.
First I was taken into a room with three comfy chairs and curtains around them all, there was another lady in there behind the curtain and I was asked to undress and put on the classic hospital robe and dressing gown, all very nice and clean and official. But it was still a little strange being in the same room as someone else especially when I was being asked questions about name, age, weight, allergies etc. I kinda think a little privacy would have been nice but I guess at the end of the day we're all in the same boat aren't we?

The staff are very nice and each time one of them came to speak to me I found myself feeling a bit more panicky and stupid and tearful, it's silly really but I think I'm supposed to be keeping it together and being an adult about it all and I just feel like a child! :-( I got a bit teary when the anesthetist came and spoke to me and again when I had to go through and again that's a little strange in set up. You're in a gown and dressing gown and you have to come out of this room where down a long ish corridor you're actually in full view of half of the waiting room. I've been in the waiting room before and seen someone walking into that room and at the time I thought it was a bit odd. What they should have done was have a door on the other wall straight opposite the tratment room and then you wouldn't have to walk in full view of people but hey I didn't design the building.

In the treatment room I passed another couple of comfy chairs with curtains around and a bed with a curtain around it obviously with people in them recovering and as it's only all separated by a curtain there really is no privacy. There were two nurses I know in the treatment room which was a bit of a surprise to see them but I guess they're multi talented and doing a bit of everything. These two nurses though haven't had the pleasure of seeing my bits and pieces as they normally do my bloods, oh well I guess there's no room for embarrassment in this game!

I laid on the bed and put my legs in the stirrups and before I knew it I was starting to drift off, a very drunken feeling I've not had in a very very long time! Not unpleasant though.
Next thing I knew I was being woken up and I was back in the room I first walked through still lying on a bed. It's funny how one minute you can be completely out of it and the next they're bringing you back and you're starting to feel ok again. I think I made some reference to Michael Jackson again which is a little embarrassing. When I had my last anesthetic I woke up thinking I can see why MJ choose anesthetic as a sleeping aid, it's a complete and total uninterrupted sleep, no hassle of trying to get to sleep, just straight to sleep and that's it and I have a funny feeling that the first thing I said as I woke up today was 'I can see why Michael Jackson does it!!'. What on earth was I thinking, how embarrassing I bet they had no idea what I was even talking about, in fact I bet they've heard it all actually! The stories they must have.

I was moved to a seat after a short while and had a hot chocolate as well as a constant supply of water. I need to wee and eat before I'm allowed to go home and then after that I'm supposed to have someone with me for 24 hours but lets face it, that's not going to happen is it?? Which is fine really, I'd rather be on my own to be honest.
Of course on of my worries was that they might not even get any eggs  but fantastically they got 5 eggs!!!!! 5 eggs from my 6 follicles, that's just amazing, I was so relieved there were more tears! But WOW 5 eggs, fabulous. They're going to call me tomorrow to let me know how many fertilise.

When I was ready to go home the nurse walked me back out to the waiting room and to dad and tried to speak to him but dad being dad didn't really communicate with her which was a bit embarrassing but hey I'm used to him now it's just the way he is but to other people who don't know him, it might be a little strange. He really is doing the best he can though.

On the way home dads throwing the car around every single corner he can and it took 5 times of me asking him to slow down before he actually did. The thing is he drives an old classic car and you really do feel like you're being thrown around a lot at times. But after an anesthetic and having eggs sucked from inside I'm feeling a little delicate.

Back home I think dad couldn't wait to go home. Which again was fine with me, I'd rather be on my own. He just doesn't understand and I don't think he ever will. I mean I've just had a heavy sedation and when we get home he thinks everything's fine.
The rest of the day I spent just chilling out, we'd stopped on the way home at a cafe for a bite to eat and then Waitrose to get some food in but I actually have absolutely no idea what I fancy at the moment. I've not been eating my best the last few days which is crazy, this is the time when I should be eating my best but I just don't really fancy anything and then I don't know what I fancy. I think I really need to go through some cookery books or websites and try and get some ideas about some good food again.

Back home I have an afternoon of bad TV and hopefully a good nights sleep to see what the next day holds for me. 

A busy weekend

I've had a busy weekend which for me is good, throughout all of this procedure I've worked out that the best course of action is to stay busy either physically or mentally either way I need to keep busy to take my mind off of it all.
Saturday I spent some time at the allotment which again was good, I love it at the allotment, I love growing things and just having something to keep me going. Then on Sunday we had a day out to Chatham Historic Dockyard which was very interesting, there was a coach load of us that went and in the end it was a really lovely sunny day, definitely the best thing for me the day before egg collection.

Last scan of the week

Today is my last appointment and scan before the weekend and the last one before, hopefully, egg collection on Monday. At each appointment I of course always wonder, a panic a little, about how it's going to be and whether things are going to have grown ok or not, I think this is what everyone means by an emotional rollercoaster, it really is. Every step of the way you really never know whats going to happen, if your follicles grow, if they don't, if you have any eggs, if you don't, if they fertilise and if they don't! It just goes on and on, its a tough journey for anyone.

Good news today, I now have 2 follicles @ 20mm, 1 @ 17mm, 1 @ 16mm and 2 @14mm with my lining at 8.9mm which is all really fantastic news. So between 4 and 6 follicles that will be mature enough by Monday. They've advised that egg collection is going to be Monday although I still need to wait for a phone call this evening to make sure and to let me know what time to take the trigger shots, but great news. :-)

The phone call came this evening and it's all systems go! YAY!!
I need to take my two trigger shots on Saturday evening and then no injections at all on Sunday. Monday morning I need to be at the clinic by 10 am for my egg collection scheduled for 10.30 am. I am nervous, I'm nervous about a lot of things. The anesthetic, will there be any eggs, will they fertilise, will I wake up during the procedure? So many concerns and questions and the little difference doing it on your own is that you just have yourself to go over all of this with, there's no oneto talk it all over with, no one to voice your concerns with. Sometimes though I actually wonder if that's a good thing and whether it's actually easier on your own! At least you then don't have another person with their fears and worries as well causing you more worry!

Anyway it is what it is and this is now the way of my life I guess.

Appointment two

It's my second scan appointment today and I've been hoping against hope that it's going to be good again and that more follicles will have grown. This is just one part of the journey and it really is an emotional roller coaster. I just feel at time that I'm completely on my own with everything, normally people going through this have a partner by their side so for every up ad every down there's always someone to hold your hand and keep you in check, reassure you and comfort you but I don't have that and that I miss. I'm scared at times that I'm not going to be able to hold it all together that the disappointments and the pain will be too much to bare and that really scares me. I've made this choice though and its a journey I'm prepared to take, pitfalls and all!

This morning although there's no real disappointment I think it could have been a little bit better. My follicles have grown a little again and my womb lining is now 8.7mm which is fantastic..........apparently. ;-) On my right side I now have 2 follicles at 16mm, 1 at 13mm and on my lest side I have 2 at 10/11mm so they've all grown between 2 and 4mm each but only 5 in total, the others haven't really done much. My oestrogen level was a massive 2167 or thereabouts, which again was fantastic. It was 900 last time so a massive difference which is great news, so all in all good news again, so much better than last time.

My smaller follicles just really need to grow some more otherwise they could be looking at IUI again and I just really want a chance at egg collection, I really want a chance to make this happen. So lots of growing thoughts for the next couple of days and to get it all working and the blood flowing I went for a lovely walk along the seafront. 

Addressing the issue

I know I need to really address the issue of feeling better about myself and about things and I know that sounds really dramatic but at times I don't feel as happy as I know I can and I know that to be able to bring a baby into the world you need to ideally be at peace with yourself. So that's my aim, to get my self back to normal again. :-)

I took a pretty tough hit when I broke up with my last boyfriend and I'm still trying to get over it to be fair. It's getting a bit ridiculous though by any standard, time is passing fast and I'm sadly not moving on very well. Don't get me wrong, I don't want him back, not for one single second. He was a compulsive liar and most definitely not the man I thought he was but unfortunately I fell in love with the man I thought he was and that's what I can't seem to get over. It doesn't help when every now and then he contacts me with useless rubbish, the latest was about a CD and did I want it. I've not spoken to him in 18 months and in that time I've called him every name under the sun in text and email yet still he doesn't give up, very odd! Someone without all the information might think that he was still in love with me and me with him and that may well be the case to be honest, I'm not sure we'll ever really know as everything he says is an outright lie. I think he regrets what happened between us and again if I'm honest I'm glad about that too. I know that probably sounds really harsh doesn't it? And I guess it is, but I lived through it all and it near on destroyed me. All through what should have been a healing time he was running around after other girls and as soon as I was getting myself back on track he came running back. Sadly though for me, by then, it was way too late and yes that makes me sad but I can never go back to him, too much has happened for that to ever happen. :-(

So that's how I find myself where I am now I suppose. Sadly since our break up I've not met anyone I want to spend any time with, actually that's not entirely true. I met a very lovely Scottish guy last year who was here working for a week and we had a lovely little fling but I think he had a girlfriend back home, despite saying otherwise, and wasn't really interested in exploring the possibility of seeing each other more. But apart from him there's been no one, not a single person I've looked at and thought mmmm. So now at 40 I find myself going though the very emotionally trying procedure of IVF alone and I know without a shadow of a doubt its a very tough journey I'm undertaking. But what doesn't kill us makes us stronger.......right???

Good news

Its good news this morning and I'm really overjoyed. My womb lining has increased to 6.1mm which is more than it was at it's thickest the first time around. I think the last time the most it was was 5.7mm. And I also have more promising growing follicles. On the right I have 2 at 12mm, 1 at 10mm , 1 at 9mm and on the left I have 3 at 9mm. It really is fantastic news so far. I had a blood test as well to see what my hormones were doing and I wont get the results of that till Wednesday but so far so good. My FSH was also a little lower this time at 13.6, still not as low as it was when I went for my first ever appointment but still ok for treatment.

I have a lot of time on my own to think about things and ruminate and on the way home from the clinic it was really going through my mind each involved process that I'm hoping to go through in order to have a baby. I'm excited and encouraged about the fact that a few of my follicles have grown a little but it really is just a tiny part of a very, very long journey.
I find it hard sometimes to keep on top of everything that's happening, to keep it all in check and keep it all normal but I'm doing the very best I can. It's not easy at times though.
My next appointment is in two days time so fingers crossed they've grown a bit more by then.

Last nights band

Last nights first pub was a total disaster, the band were terrible and the pub was full of teenagers so after just a couple of drinks we got back into the car and headed off back home to a favourite local pub when they had a fantastic band playing for another couple of hours. Its a great little pub, lots of fun and always some interesting people about. It wasn't as busy as it usually is but fun all the same and I even got chatted up! Which made a nice change.

This afternoon its the car show with dad and it's blowing a gale! Its been blowing a gale here for about 2 or 3 weeks now and everyone's getting pretty fed up with it all and as well my allotment is getting blown to pieces at the moment!

Tomorrow is my first scan appointment and when I find out how things are going. I'm interested as well in my FSH level this time. I've literally got everything crossed that things are better this time around.

A night out

I haven't been doing much socialising lately and I really miss it. I've come to the conclusion that I must be a bit of a loner at times and I know that when things aren't going very well in my life I tend to shut myself off a bit but I still love to be about people and be out and about and that I do miss.
My lodger and I have decided to go out this evening which really makes a nice change. We're going to check out a pub a cars drive away that are renowned for their live music and for being a bit of a bikers pub, we'll see.

In the meantime though I've got two pairs of shoes to take back in town and then a car show in the afternoon with dad.
I'm not sure if I've mentioned already but my dad and I both own classic cars, perhaps that's why I'm single! No just joking!
I had my car before dad and kinda got him into it all. As a family we've always loved old vehicles and used to go to the country and steam fairs locally and admire the old cars.
I've also always wanted a soft top car and then when mum got sick I decided that life was too short and I was going to have what I wanted. Now I wish I'd used that same philosophy a long time ago with having my own family but hey, live and learn!
So that's what I did, I bought my self a gorgeous little MG Midget which I absolutely love and in the summer it's great fun to take her out for a spin with the roof down. Classic cars are so cheap to run so after a couple of years of me having my car dad decided to treat himself and bought a very flashy MG TF, another beautiful car. It wasn't that long after that, that he decided to get another car, this time a Riley to use as his regular car. It's funny though, everyone thinks I'm in to old cars because my dad is when actually it's a little the other way around. ;-)

A day of enjoyment

Today I'm taking a day off of the allotment and everything else hard work and my aunt is coming over and we're going to go curtain shopping for my shed! Crazy I know but I love my shed so much and it's brand new so I want it to look lovely and girly! :-)

We had a very enjoyable day and even managed to get some material. :-) We went to a local farm shop for lunch which was nice and bought some 'happy' sausages for another nights meal. I'm struggling a bit with food at the moment, I'm fine with all the vegetables but I struggle when it comes to protein  I need to have protein with every meal and I'm really not, I need a total diet rethink I think.

I also decided that I was going to change my curtains in my lounge and diner, they've been up for ever and I think they're a bit dated now, so it's time for something new and something fresh I think, as to what though I have absolutely no idea. 

Oh decisions decisions!

Day two

I called the drug company this morning and they couldn't have been more helpful I mean really they were sooooo nice and helpful and there were on the phone for over 15 minutes helping me out and talking me through it. Of course I was doing it wrong. I had watched the DVD but then I had read a leaflet that came with it and it seemed to contradict each other and the end result was loads of glass everywhere. Fortunately though I'm now sorted for tonight.

Some people on forums say that the Merional stings when it goes in and is a thicker liquid and I have to say I think I agree with them, it's not too bad really but it's definitely more painful injecting it than the Menopur was to inject and it takes longer to inject the Merional, I think because it's thicker and it has to go through such a tiny needle.

So far so good though. I go back again on Monday to the clinic to see what's happening and I just hope that this time I have a better response to the drugs.

I'm trying to do more exercise and generally just do more. I'm going for a nice long walk down the seafront as often as I can and I'm down at my allotment when it's not raining and this time around I'm determined to make better use of the time and have already started sorting out all the things in my loft that have needed sorting for years!! Anything to keep me busy is a good thing I think.

Start date

The day has come and I'm nervous and tearful and really apprehensive.
I know I keep saying it but I so want this all to work it's so hard thinking about the possibility that it may not, that I go to all this effort and have the desire and want and need for it all to not happen. :-(

My appointment is in the morning today and as I head over to the clinic I'm doing my best to think positively.
Thankfully my scan revealed that the womb lining was thin which was a good sign on day two of my period and it also showed 2 follicles on one side and about 4 on the other, so not loads but about the same as before, I just need them to grow now.
I had a blood test as well and just had to wait until 5.30pm this evening to see if the results from that were ok.
No phone call came this time so I'm good to go.
I called up all the family to tell them and for some reason I'm just really tearful and emotional. I am excited to be starting again but I think it's just the what ifs again, what if it doesn't work again. Really got to stop thinking that.

I'm on a different drug as well as being on the Buserilin again at .5ml. The Merional, which is the FSH drug, comes in different vial sizes and I've got to mix them up each time I use it. They even give you a DVD at the clinic to show you how to do it all, it doesn't look that bad but somehow I managed to mess up taking the top of the water vial and there was glass everywhere! Bloody hell, I'm sure that's not supposed to happen, thing is it's 7pm at night now and there's no-one around to call so I just hope for the best and inject it anyway. I'm going off the clinic a bit and some of the nurses there so I can't call them but in the morning I'll give the drug company a call and see where I'm going wrong.

First of many injections done, work called and sorted out for the next 4 ish weeks now all I need to do is chill out and rest.

What ifs

I'm really excited to be starting again but of course at the same time I'm apprehensive. What happens if it doesn't work this time, what then, what's the next step??
My sperm donor doesn't have any more available samples at the moments so again what happens if this doesn't work and I try again? What then?

There's so many variables and so many what ifs, it's so hard to stay on top of it all at times and keep myself on track whilst making sure I don't spiral and freak out by it all. It's certainly a tough journey I'm taking here.

My brother and sister in law have been in touch a fair bit which has made a change and has been nice, they're both rooting for me. At times I wonder if they just want me to experience how hard it can all be, but really I'm sure it's not that, I know they really want this for me, all my family do which is great. Their support really doesn mean a lot to me, it also means though that any news or text results I do have to ring round everyone! All of a sudden my private life isn't at all very private!

So now just the wait to start.
In the meantime I'm working quite a lot and trying to keep myself as busy as I can, I think last time I spent a lot of time doing nothing......and that's never good. I have an allotment that needs keeping up and if the sun ever shines here I have a lovely promenade to wander down.

Good news

Good news this morning, when I called the clinic to find out why I can't start this cycle it turned out that there was a miscommunication between the nurse and myself, I said a date but I also said a day and she thought my period was due a week earlier than it was. Phew. I knew I wasn't going mad!
So that's fantastic news, I can start this next cycle, now I just need lots of good luck! :-)

What that does mean though is that I need to get the clinic to fax a prescription over to my doctor so I can start taking Norethisterone now. I'm going to be taking that for about a week and a half whilst stopping taking DHEA. Te the FSH drug I'm going to be taking this time is Merional, so a slightly different drug regime so fingers crossed all the way I say!

My next appointment

Finally the 24th has arrived and I now get to find out what the next stage of my IVF journey is.
I've wondered whether the doctor would recommend another course of IVF or say it wasn't worth it and it's been on my mind a lot. Of course I've been hoping they'll say it's ok for another course, especially as the last course didn't make it to egg collection, I kinda feel I've been a little short changed.

Anyway fortunately my doctor has recommended another course of IVF, this time with slightly different drugs so it's all systems go again.

She has prescribed norethisterone to take on the lead up to my period which will also then delay my period a couple of days and then I'll start my injections again, sounds good to me.

I then had three hours to kill before my nurse appointment to discuss my drugs and look at what needed ordering and then I was back there again. The nurse I saw, who I can't say I get the best vibes from, asked me when my next period was due and promptly told me it was too late to start this cycle and I 'd have to wait another month.
To say I was furious would be a massive understatement, in those three hours I'd really got my hopes up, 'd emailed my boss keeping her updated and I was ready for this. After the last failed attempt and waiting around for a few weeks I just want to get on with things and move further along my journey, I just want this all to happen and I'm getting impatient with all the waiting.

I left the clinic feeling really down and upset that I'd have to wait another month yet at the same time I kept playing over in my mind what the doctor had said, I laid in the bath trying to relax yet by the time I got out I was fuming.
I know for sure that the doctor told me I could start this cycle and I just can't understand why the nurse would say different. I don't feel I have a great rapport with this nurse but even so, she should still do what the doctor says shouldn't she?
I'm going to have to call in the morning and find out whats going on, please let me start this cycle.

It's been a while

Its been a little while since my last post, I've meant to keep up with it and keep everyone up to date with whats going on but after the disappointment of the last IVF converted to IUI I didn't really know what to say.

 Needless to say it really was a negative result and now I'm just waiting till 24th for another appoitnment back at the clinic to see what happens next.
In the meantime I just have to get on with life as best I can. Eat as healthy as I can, do as much exercise as is good for me and generally just try to relax and stay calm.

A lovely day out

I had a really lovely day yesterday. It was so nice to meet up with a friend, catch up and just be normal with someone.
We had a lovely wander around a very picturesque historic town and then settled somewheere warm and cosy for lunch. It really was lovely to see her and I hope we can meet up again soon.
For now though it's back home for me and now I have to get ready to go back to work after a month off! I'm definitely not looking forward to that. :-( Plus I'm having to go away on a trip to a place I really really don't like. I guess I just have to grin and bare it.

A definite negative

As I thought, negative. I know my period still isn't due for a couple of days but this test is supposed to be able to test up to 6 days beforehand and it still says negative. That's a real blow and very upsetting but I also have to keep it all together because if I breakdown now who's going to pick me up again, who's going to pick up the pieces?? No one! :-( So I owe it to myself and my sanity to keep strong and keep myself together......it's not going to be easy though I don't think.

Today I'm meeting up with a friend from work, I don't really socialise with people from work and I'm a very private person really but every now and then you meet someone you really click with and make plans to see out of work. I've just been away with her and it was really hard not to let on what I was doing, I wanted to but I just can't bare the thought of my private life being banded around the back of an aircraft. I did let on that I had big plans for this year and funnily enough she then had a dream about what it might be. She came up with have a baby, adopt a baby, sex change (!) or new business. I'd love to tell her and be excited with someone about it all but I'm scared to as well, not scared to tell her the details just scared that my private business will suddenly become works public business.
Over a few texts I said I'd maybe tell her over a coffee but now the day has arrived I'm not sure I can tell her, I wonder if she'll ask.

I guess it's a negative then!

I don't want to be disappointed but I know I need to do the test again. I have no symptoms at all :-( and perhaps I should wait till Friday but if work wasn't an issue I could do but it is so I need to do a test earlier so I know for sure.

I'm feeling pretty deflated really, if I'm honest with myself I know it hasn't worked this time and a part of me just thinks why not? It works for so many people, why can't it work for me. I've had so many different things be so hard for me is it really too much to ask to have this?

My aunt came over today and I mentioned to her about buying all of my donors sperm, he does only have 4 samples left, and bringing them over to the UK for future use, I also spoke about the test and we decided I'd go and buy some more reliable tests from Boots. I paid £2 for 15 tests in the Internet and I'm now paying £11 for 2 tests! Someone somewhere is making a packet I think!

So test in hand I decide tomorrow I'll do it, two days before I'm supposed to and two days before I'm due to go back to work.
I'm trying rally hard not to let it take over my life but its really hard at times.

Bank Holiday Monday

It's bank holiday Monday so the last day of the Easter weekend and I feel like I've done nothing.
I haven't really though, I've been to the allotment and had a lovely lunch with my family and had some great relaxing time but I haven't been out and about anywhere in the evening with anyone and that's a shame. One friend suggested last week about going to see a band at some point but when it came to it they clearly weren't up for it! :-( It does upset me that I feel I'm wasting my life away doing nothing but its the way it's always been, sadly I've never been the social animal I've wanted to be.

Yesterday my lodger finally suggested going out but of course I was busy with my family. I'd just had the last two nights of doing nothing and let's face it the last four weeks doing nothing and the one night there's something I could do I'm busy! I'm glad we had the dinner though, as well I think I've got to the point that the less I do the less I want to do! :-(

I did go out to a couple of 'open houses' today though, it's festival time in my town and lots of artists open houses which are always quite interesting, more fl for the bossy around the houses though if I'm honest!

Easter Sunday lunch

Happy Easter!

Easter Sunday and we've all got together for a late lunch. When I say all I mean the family which actually consists of just four of us in the UK. 

It's lovely to see everyone and just hang out not doing a lot and not having to do a lot.
I'm not cooking thank goodness, I'll help out but actually cooking is beyond me on this scale to be honest. 

It's nice to do something different and take my mind off of things a bit. 

I caved

Ok this morning I caved and did another pregnancy test. 
I know I'm not supposed to but I just so desperaely want this all to work and to finally have the chance to be a mum I gues I'm getting a little impatient. As well, it's Easter weekend and tomorrow I'm going for dinner with the family and I just thought if it was a positive test then wouldn't it be great to share it with them all tomorrow but it's not to be, not at the moment anyway. I know it's really early to be testing so it's no surprise it's still negative but I did wonder if there might be a little faint second line I could see but sadly nothing.
After taking the test I did feel a bit deflated and low but it's not the end yet, not yet.

For the rest of the day I didn't really know what to do with myself but I know that there's probably going to be more days like this so I have to really try to keep going and try really hard not to let it get to me too much.

So what to do today? 
First I went off to buy some more gardening goodies and then the rest of the moring I spent clearing one of the many areas on my list, the pile of stuff in the dinning room. A job well done I'd say, although to be fair all I seemed to do was tidy it up and put it all back where it was.

It's so easy at times to just sit on the sofa and do absolutely nothing, watch bad TV and while the time away but I just know that's the worst thing I can do. At times it's a trial just to keep myself going from day to day, just trying to keep busy and keep my mind off of everything, but I really have to I can't let myself get dragged down by it all as after all there's no one but me who's going to get me back out of any hole I end up in.  

I really fancied a stroll along the seafront this afternoon but one minute it seems to be starting to snow and the next it's bright sunshine but through it all it's freezing cold and I just hate the cold but after an hour or so of umming and aring I just went for it and headed out. It was as cold as it was the other day along the seafront but it was nice out there really and definintely good for me to be out and about. It's a long walk along the front a four mile round trip and each time I do it I just know it's the best thing I can be doing right now. There's a cafe at the end of the promenade so after a peppermint tea stop I headed back home and then off to my allotment.

I still have this shed to decide on and it's proving to be tricky, which is the best one to get and two doors or one door?? I have absolutely no idea, what do I know about sheds after all?! Anyway more measuring and talking to crazy Nigel and it's back home for fish and chips, I'm a bit fed up with veggies at the moment but more than that I'm fed up with all the washing up every night!

Passing time

I have absolutley no idea where the time goes you know!
Not only am I now 40 (!), having had no idea where the time has gone but as well, week to week, where does it all go?
This week has now come to an end and its a week today since I had the IUI and looking back what actually happened this week?

Ok I'm sure I can sum it up a little better than that.

Monday.......erm! Oh no I remember, my uncle visited and then my dad did, so a bit of a busy afternoon. 

Tuesday I went to the allotment to do some digging. The potatoes are, traditionally, meant to go in on Good Friday but on the one hand I'm not sure the potatoes are ready yet and on the other, the ground isn't ready yet. So that was the plan for the afternoon, to dig over the potato plot again. It's hard work digging but from Wednesday onwards I'm not really supposed to be doing much so it needs to be done when it can.

Wednesday, dad visited and we went to do some more work at the allotment, I had an apple tree that needed to go in and dad wanted to finish off two raised beds we were making. It was freezing cold down there and by the end of it I honestly thought I had frostbite but it was a job well done, thanks lots and lots dad. :-)
I received my bulk load of pregnancy tests as well on Wednesday and despite not wanting to get obsessive about peeing on a stick (!) I do want to know when the trigger shot has left my body so I did a test in the afternoon and it was negative. Now to hope for the positive test result. :-)

Sleep this week hasn't been very good for me, I've just had three nights of really bad interrupted sleep, which is pants! It doesn't help that my restless legs syndrome seems to now be happening in my arms as well as my legs and occurs all day not just at night so when it comes to going to bed it's even worse. My lodger doesn't help the situation either at times by not being exactly quiet at night, and on Wednesday night when she got up to the loo at 01.30 that was it for me for the next three hours, wide awake and restless. I know as well there's lots of things going round in my head which doesn't help either but I've been listening to a relaxation CD which is supposed to help but to be honest I'm not so sure it's working, I think it's just making me think more as I try to go off to sleep.
 
Thursday I did a pregnancy test again using my first morning wee and again it was negative so I think that's it now I'm going to leave it a few days now before I test again and try and stay calm in the meantime.

The weather here has been so cold and horrid lately it really hasn't been that inviting for going out and getting any exercise and apart from Tai Chi I'm not really doing a lot at the moment so today I went for a nice long walk along the seafront which I hope is going to help me sleep tonight, annoyingly though I ended up with a blister from wearing my new boots, you can't have it all I guess!
It was a lovely walk along the front though and I really enjoyed just getting out and about. My plan when I first started this treatment three weeks ago was to walk along the seafront every day, four miles round trip, I think I've done it now three times! It has been horrid weather though so it's not just me being lazy. I know it's not good for me though not doing a lot and I'm sure it's playing a part in my sleep, or lack of.

Friday, the end of the week and exactly a week since my IUI and thank goodness I slept better last night which was a massive relief, I have to admit I was beginning to lose the plot! Today I had a plan to go allotment shopping, well not actually shopping for an allotment as I have one, but shopping for things for my allotment. Not big stuff shopping but I managed to get some plants at a reduced price and as well some warm gloves I hope.  

So now it's Easter weekend and as usual on a weekend and a holiday weekend at that I have nothing planned, no one getting in touch with me asking me if I want to do something and no one inviting me out, I really am 'Billy no mates' as usual, but I'm just so fed up with making the arrangements, it's always me asking someone else if they want to do something, never anyone asking me and I'm fed up of it! I do feel really pants about that sort of thing but I also know in a way I've bought a lot of it on myself and I also know that I'm not the only person out there who's in the same position, I'm constantly seeing people on facebook at times when if they had better things to do they'd be doing them! And I just know I can't be the only person home alone, perhaps a difference with me though is that I don't want to be home alone, I've never wanted to be home alone when there's so many different things going on, I'd love to be out and about seeing people and socialising, seeing bands and generally just being out and about but sadly that just isn't how it's been for me, it doesn't help that I live in a town where not a great deal goes on and if it does it's in the form of tea dances etc but oh well you can't change a habit of a lifetime I guess. :-(

All week I've being having some twinges and symptoms, symptoms of what though I'm not sure. Apparently the symptoms of pregnancy are similar to the onset of your period which is similar to what you get when taking progesterone like I am. I guess I wont know for another few days for sure but at the moment I'm having mild crampings as well as feeling a bit sicky at times and generally tired but to be honest I feel tired all the time anyway! I'll just have to hold on a bit longer and hope for the best wont I? 

The start of the 2WW

So officially and on recommendation, I have two weeks to wait till I can take a pregnancy test and of course I want to take it before then but to be honest I really am a firm believer in what will be will be and apart from take it easy a bit there really is nothing more I can do now.

With IUI, implantation takes place between 6-12 days after the procedure and that's the time to really be careful physically and my understanding is that until implantation occurs a pregnancy test would only show negative, as well as this, the trigger shot I had to take before insemination shows as a positive pregnancy reading anyway. 
I've read that some people test out the trigger shot, which means they take a pregnancy test everyday until it shows negative then a positive after that would be a real positive. Some people talk about getting obsessive about the tests doing them everyday and seeing lines that perhaps aren't there or feeling symptoms that maybe aren't there. I hope I'm not going to do the same cause there's no one but me to keep all of this in check but at the same time I think I will buy some cheap tests off the net so I'll at least know when the trigger shot has gone from my body.

So with the weekend over, having not done a lot, I'm two more days into my 2ww and its exciting. Although a few people do know what I'm doing and are aware of the 2ww and are asking me how it's going, really other than that I'm on my own with it all and that's quite nice at the moment. No one to dissect any symptoms with, no one to argue with or share disappointment with but of course similarly there's no significant other to share any success with. But this is the choice I've made and I'm ok with it. Ok it's not ideal but it's what it is and right now this is good for me. :-)

I wonder what these two weeks will have in store for me. I'm hoping to do a bit to my new allotment before my 'take it easy time', and I have big ideas for sorting out different things around the house......but you know I bet I don't do any of it!

The big day :-)

So here we go, the big day.

I'm really excited, I'm excited that this could really be it, that in just a few short hours I could be on my way to being a mum for real, what could be more exciting??
At the same time though I'm trying to keep my feet on the ground.

My aunt keeps asking if I want her to come with me to various clinic appointments but I always saying no, a part of me thinks this is my journey and I need to do it in the best was I can but another part of me wonders that if she did come people at the clinic might think we were gay! Now you really couldn't be further from the truth so up unitl now I've gone it alone but today I just want to take it easy and although IUI isn't as delicate as egg transfer with IVF you're still recommended to take it easy for the day and driving home from the clinic in possible rush hour really wouldn't be taking it easy. 
 So this time I take my aunt up on her offer and make arrangements for her to come to me at 13.00, my appointment at the clinic is 14.30 and I don't want to be held up anywhere, plus my aunt is (usually) always notoriously late! Apart from today of course when she's bang on time. 
Even so though we leave a little later than we should and only just get to the clinic in time which can't be good for my keeping calm idea, neither is the fact that I hate her driving. I knew when I agreed to her taking me that her driving alone would stress me out a bit but I can hardly cancel now, grit my teeth and bare it I think.

My appointment is at 14.30 but it's after 15.00 when I'm finally called in by Jo, friendly and very capable Jo. She goes over a few preliminaires before going off to get my sperm.

I've had a bit of a wobble about my donor just because of his age as I read somewhere that as a man gets older his sperm count etc is lower and this guy is around my age. The thing is he was the only donor on the site that sounded genuine, the only one that I think had really thought about what he was doing and not doing it just for the money. Anyway when Jo came back and gave me the news I was over the moon and knew there and then I'd made completely the right choice. Apparently the average sperm count per ml is 16 million, my donors sperm count was 60 million. 60 million sperm per ml....wow!! Go little fellas!

To be inseminated is the same procedure as egg transfer in that a cafeter has to be passed through the cervix in order for the sperm to be transferred. This is an area I had difficulty with before during the trial and I'm nervous about it again, they just always seem to have difficulty with me and that worries me that things aren't all ok in that area, you just never really know do you?

As predicted Jo had real difficulty inserting the cafeter into my cervix. At least this time she had no problem actually finding my cervix, normally when I have a smear test they can't even find it! So she'd found it which was great now just to insert the cafeter. Jo tried four or five different cafeters and two different speculums before she had any joy, apparently my cervix is an 'S' bend. I was on that bed for about 45 minutes with my legs akimbo with a speculum inserted and a nurse between my legs making it even more uncomfortable but in the end Jo had joy and once the cafeter was in the right place the sperm was inseminated in seconds. Now I just need them to swim swim swim!

After a 15 minute lay down listening to some delightful Mike Oldfield I came back out to my aunt and we headed off. My acupuncturist wanted to see me for half an hour after my IUI so after being held up by the traffic a bit we ended up going straight there where she aimed to directed the energy in the right direction. 

Now I just have the dreaded two week wait before I can test.
I keep reading on different websites that people find this the worse time of the entire treatment. I wonder how I'll get on.

The moment of truth

So here it is the moment of truth.
 
I'm apprehensive and nervous going into the examination room, I want everything to be ok but I really have to be realistic and think positively about that fact that it might not be. 
I love that everyone says just relax, easier said than done for most people I know but at the moment I have to say I am feeling relatively relaxed. Maybe it's because I have no one to mull it all over with or dwell on it with or maybe its just my own sanity I'm trying to protect, perhaps we'll never know but for sure at the moment I'm feeling ok.

This time the scan showed that only two of my three follicles have continued to grow and I now have one measuring 21mm and the other measuring 16mm, the third has stayed 12mm. My womb lining still hasn't done too much thickening and still measures only just 5.7mm.
Based on this the decision has been made to convert this cycle to IUI, but that really is fine. As I've said before I'm doing the best I can and I know my body is working the hardest it can so that's all I can ask for really. 

Something that I did find out today which was interesting was that my FSH tested again on the first day of my meds was 14.8! Wow. This is an increase from 6.6 from when they tested it the first time. I'm not really sure what it all means but apparently the higher the number the less likely you are to respond to the drugs, mmm interesting. I just knew my body was doing the best it could given the circumstances.
The clinic have a cut off limit of an FSH result of 15 so I was only just in the parameters of them treating me. FSH fluctuates each month and I guess this month just wasn't my month for a low result.

So now I'm on the route for IUI, not such a great success rate but then I don't have such a great success rate anyway and any chance is a chance I think, I'm just glad I'm able to have a chance at something.

Friday is the big day, I have to inject myself tonight with a different drug before I go to bed which will bring on ovulation, I think! 

So what to do for the rest of the day?! 
I have at least another couple of weeks off work and I really need to try and make the most of it so on my list of things to do is loft clearance, wardrobe clearance, cupboard under the stairs clearance......anything clearing related really, these are all things that have been on my list for ever but I've just never quite got round to them and the realisation now is that if I am lucky to have a baby then I'm really not going to have any free time! :-) Bring it on!

Willing things to grow

I'm trying to keep my mind busy and not spend too much time thinking about things but it's hard you know? And as I'm not working at the moment I don't even have obnoxious passengers to take my mind off of it all. It's ok though because actually I think I'm doing ok, I'm doing a lot better than I have dome in the past about things.

I had an acupuncture appointment today which I think helped me and of course I went for another couple of listens to the hypnosis CD, after all it can only help right??

Not great news

So not great news today really. :-( Despite hoping against hope over the weekend.

I went off to the clinic for my scan and was seen pretty quickly which was nice and my oestrogen had gone up from 100 something to over 900 which apparently was great news but unfortunately only three of my follicles had grown any. They measured my three growing follicles at one at 15mm, two at 12mm and the rest were just 8mm. My womb lining measured at 5.6mm which was a tiny bit better than the scan on Friday but again not great. I have to say though although only three follicles are growing and my lining isn't thickening as fast as it should I know everything's doing the very best it can and after all, this is just my first time of taking these drugs, I just know my body's working as hard as it can though. 

Victoria, the nurse I saw today, made the suggestion that it might be better to convert to IUI to give me the best possible chance. I am still strugling with the know how of it all but I do know that with just three follicles growing not all of them may actually contain an egg and once they start the procedure my understanding is that they possibly lose some on the way so with only three it really does seem to minimise my chances. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't upset but I have to put myself in their hands for them to be able to do their very best for me.

Victoria went off to speak with the doctor but she was busy in theater so I just had to go home and wait it out for a phone call after shed been able to speak to her.
The phone call came at 13.15 and this time it was Jo. She's a lovely very bubbly and very efficient nurse and I trust her completely, but it was still upsetting when she confirmed that if my scan shows similar results on Wednesday then they would definitely convert to IUI.
I was really upset because I, like everyone else of course, desperately want this to work and as I'm self funding I'm really not sure how many chances with this I'm going to get but really I just need to put all my energy into this chance working right now.

More of the relaxation and hypnosis CD then I guess.