Calls to the family

Telling my family really couldn't have gone any better, they were pleased and excited and most of all completely behind me. Although I'm almost 40 I still feel like a little girl at times around them and I really wanted their approval and support for this next journey in my life and that's exactly what I got.

People I told........
My uncle at times can say things that he really doesn't mean but just which come out in the wrong way and of course once it's said it's said. I thought he might make some comment about me not being married and going it alone, I always thought he was very traditional that way but as soon as I told him he was positive and supportive. It was the same response with my dad, sadly I lost my mum 8 and a half years ago, I wondered what his response would be but again he was interested and supportive and positive about the outcome, either way. Even saying that mum would have been excited and supportive to me as well. It was such a relief to have told them and get it out in the open. Telling my aunt wasn't as difficult as I'd already mentioned that I was thinking about it but I'm not sure of her response really, I think she's spent so many years as a social worker she's very cautious about what she says and how she says it that sometimes she doesn't say anything much at all. My brother was very easy to tell as well, he lives in California with the perfect wife and perfect kids so has no real idea where I'm coming from to be fair but at least he tries.....at times.

So now as far as I'm concerned it's full speed ahead but first there's Christmas and New Year to survive.

First consultant appointment

So after a lovely 4 weeks away in Central America hiking, eating and drinking I arrived back home and ready for my first consultant appointment. I'm nervous before I go in and I have no idea what hes going to say, part of me has convinced myself it's not going to be good news but another part is hoping for the best.

If I'm completely honest I'd have to say I don't know a great deal about the human body, how it works and the ins and outs of fertility and I hadn't done much reading prior to my appointment (as didn;t want to scare myself) so when he started talking about AMH levels and antral follicle count I had no real idea what he was talking about. The consultant explained it as best he could and went on to tell me that I had an AMH level of 0.57 pmol/l. which is very very, very low. :-( I knew it wasn't going to be great news but I suppose a little part of me was still optimistic. He then suggested doing a scan to see how many antral follicles I had which with both pieces of information would give him a better idea of my potential fertility success.

Now that was a new one on me an internal scan. I didn't realise they even existed and in fact it appeared little more than a probe covered in a condom with lots of lubrication but it does the trick and from that he was able to see that I had about 3 to 4 follicles on one side and 6 to 8 on the other, again not great news, but at least I had some, and from this he told me that even with the maximum drugs I only had a 4-5% success rate with IVF.

Wow that was a massive blow I can tell you. I honestly never thought the news would be that bad, if I had of known this was possible I definitely would have done things differently a very long time ago, I would have made this decision or come to this conclusion a lot earlier than I have.

But right there and then I made the massive decision that this is what I was going to do, in that one instant my life changed forever and I knew that from then on I was going to do everything I could to have a family of my own. 
Now I just had to tell the family as one way or another I need them all to be right behind me.

Back from holiday

I'm very lucky with my job I can normally take six weeks off  for a long holiday to go backpacking around some far flung exotic location, but just recently I've been wondering if this is really what I want to be doing anymore, I know I have a lot on my mind at the mo with baby thoughts but even so.

I've always gone on my big holidays on my own apart from one time 'the boyfriend of the time' came along for two weeks, but other than that I've always gone on my own. The thing is before I started to travel alone I'd waited a lifetime to meet the man of my dreams that liked to travel as much as I did but that just never happened so instead of going nowhere I decided to go it alone and have continued to do so ever since.

Over the years people have always said how much they've envied me going off and doing my own thing and seeing the world and how brave I am, but you know I can't stand that word. I'm not brave at all its just simply a case of either going it alone or not going at all and I know what I'd rather do. But it has been lonely at times over the years, don't get me wrong, I've had a great time, I've seen some fantastic places and I've met some really great people but even so it's still been lonely at times and now I'm just not sure I really want to do it as much anymore but we'll see what this next year holds, I have high hopes.

The start of my journey

So the nurse has basically told me I'm too late to try and have children but even with that in mind she's quite happy to take money off of me to do some blood tests to give more of an idea of what my body thinks of it all.

One of the many things I disagree with in this system is how you're penalised because you don't fit the norm. Any treatment I have from this moment on with regard to fertility treatment has to be paid for by me and all because there's no man in my life.

Now there may be some who agree with that and there may be some who disagree but tell me where it's right that just because I haven't found a man I can trust enough to fall in love with and let into my life during an age where infidelity and cyber sex are at an all time high that I should be penalised just because I want to bring a child into this life, to love and care for and show this unique and exciting world to. How can it possibly be right that I have to pay a minimum of £6000 per IVF treatment (if that's the route I take) just because I'm single when others in sometimes unhealthy and negative relationships that may not last get it all for free??

So what it comes down to at this appointment is that I have to pay £250 for some blood tests and book in and pay another £250 to see a consultant. I don't agree with it and I never could, I come from a time where equality is paramount and inequality is unacceptable and no matter where my journey takes me and what may happen along the way I will never think it's right that some people are treated for free and others have to pay.

But have the blood tests I did and while I waited for the results and my appointment with the consultant to come round I went on holiday!
Central America here I come.

The big decision

For one of the biggest decisions I think I'm ever going to have to make in my life I'm still amazed I came to the conclusion so easily.... so calmly and how I knew straight away, instinctively that it was the right, perfect,  decision for me.

What decision I hear you ask? Or perhaps I don't!
But it was the decision to actively try to have a child alone, on my own, without the assistance of a male partner and disappointingly without the added bonus of having sex! Of course when I say alone, I actually mean with a little bit of help from someone who can help, namely (hopefully) a fertility clinic.

So there I was, I'd finally managed to pluck up the courage to call my local fertility clinic and before I knew it I was on my way to my first appointment with a nurse to be able to discuss my options.

There's a million different reasons why I've suddenly found myself travelling down this road and no doubt I'm sure I'll go into a few of them along the way but I can honestly say although I've never been the typical broody female I've always thought that one day I'd have the opportunity to meet someone special, settle down and try to have a family. I never longed for the big white wedding or the fairy tale, I never did and still don't think that exists, but I did think that one day I would have just a small part of this so called fairy tale.

Although I had my suspicions that time was ticking by for me, friends and colleagues always reassured me that there was still plenty of time. Oh how, now, I wished I'd never listened to them! I guess I always thought I'd be able to have the complete package......the man and the baby, I was holding out for the ultimate combination. But what happens when the ultimate doesn't arrive and what happens when you know you really are running out of time just waiting for it to arrive?

So going it alone? The thing is I'm under absolutely no illusion that motherhood is easy, I know that it's the hardest job in the world, I remember all too clearly how I was as a child (!) so actually deciding to try to have a child on your own just because there's no man in your life always seemed ludicrous to me. Are you mad?!? Apparently yes!
What about all those sleepless nights when you have absolutely no-one to turn to, what about all those times when you just want 5 minutes (just 5) to yourself? You will have sole responsibility for that child every second of every day from the second it's conceived till who knows when, but most likely at least the first 40 years of so of their life! So really, who would choose that??

I have a friend that when she lived closer to me we would take strolls along the seafront, catch up and share our lives and dreams for the future. She was always very broody and couldn't wait to have children and since her long term relationship had broken up she was keen to find someone to fill the space and become a father and if that didn't happen then she was adamant she was going to use a sperm donor to realise her dream and even went as far as the first appointment. I always remember the chats we used to have......I would remind her just how hard it would be on her own and she would tell me that as long as you loved them it would all be great and plain sailing. Fast forward 3 or 4 years and she's now moved away, back together and married to her long term partner form before and after one attempt at IVF has two very busy and I'm sure very lively babies! The last time I actually spoke to her to tell her of my plans she said to me that she really had no idea how all encompassing motherhood would be and just how much time they would take up! I did try to warn you. :-)) But naturally she's ecstatic and of course has the added help of a husband now.

Back to my situation......
So there I was having a consultation with a nurse to be told that basically I had left it too late.
Great thanks for that! So ok I'm almost 40 but I don't feel it. :-( I think that's a lot of the problem these days we don't feel our age and if you're anything like me then you probably don't act your age (only when you get up off of the sofa of course!) so how can your body possible be too old for the one thing you're now so ready for?