Birthday week

This week it's my 40th birthday and I know it's usually a big celebration for people and and a big milestone but I'm just not in the mood for socialising at the moment to be honest.

Over the last couple of years I've really withdrawn from life, I know I have and I know it's not particularity good for me but 18 months ago I went through a very upsetting relationship breakup which I know is still having an impact on me. One thing that's a problem for me is that it was with someone I work with, so everyone knew about our relationship, knew about us breaking up and now knows all about what he's been up to ever since and for me I just find that humiliating.

It doesn't help that he lied to me throughout our relationship of course and now I find it almost impossible to trust someone or even believe what someone says to me but I'd never take him back, despite the fact he spent the whole year after we'd broken up trying to get me back. I know the drama of our relationship at such a sensitive time in my life has had a terrible effect on me and to be fair the thought of attempting another relationship anytime relatively soon just fills me with dread. I guess this is one of the main reasons I've found myself where I am now, that and the fact I'm now 40.

I know every relationship breakup is horrible for people but I think for me it was the timing. During our relationship he promised me the world, like they all do, he wanted to marry me, travel with me and have a family with me yet it turned out in the end that this was never what he wanted at all and it all just came at completely the wrong time for me, it came at a time when I thought I could have this so called fairytale everyone talks about, I thought I could have it all. It seems I was right and I couldn't have it all after all, it seems that journey was never to be mine. It's not the loss of him and our relationship that hurts me so much it's the fact that I desperately wanted a chance to have a family and bring new life into the world and the end of our relationship meant that wasn't now going to happen in the way I once thought it would.
For a while after we broke up I was convinced that as there was no going back with him that I would move on relatively easy and find someone else to have this journey with but 18 months later that still hasn't happened and I'd be lying if I said that didn't make me sad but now the time has come to pursue my dreams, for now, alone and what will be will be.

So 40! Where did that time go?! I certainly don't feel my age and I'd like to say I don't look my age but it'd be a little odd for me to presume so. ;-) So as I said I'm sadly not really in the mood for celebrating and again I find that a little sad as everyone expects you to want to have the big party, and part of me feels I should but over the last 18 months shutting myself away from the world seems to work as now I really don't see anyone, having a lodger saves me from insanity but apart from her I don't really see anyone from one week to another which is a shame but again it's just the way things are so there's nobody to actually invite to a party! :-(

So no big party or big celebration just dinner the might before my birthday with a couple of friends and then out with my family on my actual birthday. As it's my birthday and it is the big one I treated myself to two glasses of wine each night and I really enjoyed them but to be honest I didn't fancy anymore and as of the morning after my birthday I was back to no alcohol.

Now for the rest of my life......perhaps life really does begin at 40! :-))

Deciding on the clinic

I decided to cancel my appointment at the other clinic I was booked into in the end as I felt they'd probably want all the same tests repeated again and ultimately the decision of which clinic to use would come down to how comfortable I personally felt about each one.
I do feel comfortable and relaxed at the clinic I'm going with and I really get the impression that they're going to try their best for me, they're probably more used to woman outside of the normal heterosexual relationship which I didn't think my first clinic were that aware of, I actually felt I was an anomaly which is not a nice feeling when you're going through such a sensitive part of your life. 

So the choice has been made and now ultimately I just need to wait until my period starts to be able to begin treatment but in reality I've actually decided to aim for treatment in March rather than February as this will give me another month of healthy lifestyle living, good eating and acupuncture as well as give me a chance to go on another trip away somewhere lovely and warm and just perfect prior to starting IVF.

Not a real 2ww

I've just had my first 2ww but fear not things haven't moved on that quickly for me! It's just been two weeks since my first appointment at the new clinic and apart from a couple of appointments with Sue my acupuncturist not a lot has been happening on the fertility front.
I've been eating the best I've ever eaten before, making sure I eat several portions of fruit and vegetables a day as well as continuing to not drink alcohol or caffeine and drink plenty of water.
I'm taking pregnacare conception and DHEA tablets that the doctor advised to me take and now two weeks later I'm back to find out my latest results.

Firstly my AMH level has increased this test which is fantastic news, the AMH was the worrying level as it was so low before but this time its 1.6 pmol/L which is one whole count up from what it was at 0.57 pmol/L, I'm thrilled. Of course it could be because of the sample going off to a different laboratory but it also could be because of all the changes I've made to my lifestyle since New Year, either way it's an increase which is the main thing. :-)
My FSH, which the first clinic never tested, is 6.6 IU/L and my LH is 7.8 IU/L which are both good for my age which is great news to hear, some clinics wont even treat someone if their FSH is over 15 IU/L, and
the last thing you want to hear at this stage is that you really have left it too late and there's no hope at all.

Based on these results my doctor has advised that it's definitely worth giving IVF a go. Over the last couple of weeks my understanding of the amount of follicles and whether IVF is worth it has increased and I now see what the doctor was talking about two weeks ago. But seeing my results she thinks there's every chance I may respond well to treatment.

I'm so relieved by what shes said today, I was so worried that I'd just have no chance whatsoever.
And so the journey continues. :-)

My first appointment at a new clinic

This morning was my first appointment at a different clinic with a different doctor and I was apprehensive but as well in a word I found it encouraging.

Arriving at the clinic I was kinda surprised and maybe a bit taken back to find it appeared to be some rooms on the top floor of a four storey office block. I was expecting an all singing all dancing clinic it being in Brighton and from first impressions it doesn't seem like it.
Fortunately four flights of steps up and its a very different story. As I step into the waiting area I'm faced with a very welcoming, calm and friendly area. The colour scheme is very calming and relaxing which is a good thing as I'm a bag of nerves, I don't really know what to expect but I'm really hoping for some miracles today. :-)

My doctor is a nice but quiet woman who seems very capable and I'm hoping really knows her stuff!
Despite having a good feeling about her she has actually confused me a little by talking about antral follicles and saying that if I didn't have many follicles then I would have a better chance of success with 2 or 3 goes at DIUI (donor insemination). That really confused me as I was under the understanding that my only hope was with IVF and it was very little hope at that, even with the best of drugs available. I guess that's why I'm not a fertility doctor though huh?! :-)

I gave my doctor the notes I'd managed to get from the the first clinic I visited, which wasn't a lot to be honest. I tried a couple of times to get my notes before success and even then there wasn't any in
depth notes. There was nothing in the notes about the amount of antral follicles that were found first time round which was annoying and meant I had to have the scan done all over again. But apart from the extra cost of it I'm glad that they are as there may well be some different results. The doctor also wanted to retest my AMH as well as testing for my FSH the later of which my first clinic didn't do so that's a good thing.

I had more blood tests done there and then as fortunately the timing worked out well with my cycle and they were also able to do a scan for me as well which revealed two follicles on one side and six on the other. The one side isn't so great but the other was very encouraging after all I am nearly 40 now! So now I have to wait another two weeks before I have another appointment to find out all the results.

Work call out

I haven't told you yet what I do for work have I?

Well for the last 17 years I've been flying as cabin crew/air hostess for a well known airline. I say cabin crew/air hostess cause to be fair it really depends on who you're talking to. I have absolutely no hang up about what other people call my job having started flying at a time when we were 'air hostesses', not 'cabin crew' and certainly not 'flight attendants'. Some people refuse to be associated with the title 'air hostess' but when you live in a town, like I do, where the vast majority of the population are over 70 years old they wouldn't even know what 'cabin crew' meant, but say 'air hostess' and they're right there with you. So for me I'm an air hostess and that's what I've been doing for so many years that I'm sure my car would get there on it's own if I let it.

It's not a job I've ever wanted to do as I was growing up and at times I'm not sure it's a job I particularly like all that much (for reasons other than the actual job) but over the years its been harder and harder to get out of purely because of the lifestyle and the perks. Its a great job if you want to travel and see the world but not a great job for your social life, love life and sex life and perhaps when I think about it, it's part of the reason why I'm in the situation I am now.

My first appointment at a different clinic is on 17th January but today work called to see if I'm available to do a couple of nights trip to Portsmouth, US. It's only a couple of days away but typically, sods law it's right over my aunts birthday and the first appointment with the first clinic. So what to do?!

The thing is I'm so keen to get started now I've made the decision that I'm really reluctant to miss this appointment but seeing as I've bought up the lack of longhaul so much recently with my boss I don't feel I can say no, yet I've waited a while already for an appointment and if I cancel this one I'll have to wait again but then I also have an appointment already booked with the second clinic for 21st January, a few days later. So apart from missing my aunts birthday which is disappointing, other than that all it means is I'll be going to a different clinic first than the one I thought....fate perhaps?

It's off to Portsmouth then.......now to pack......it's freezing in Portsmouth.

Making appointments

So to get the best treatment I possibly can while not really knowing a lot about the fertility world is a hard call to make and the only way to make the decision is to go and actually check them out.
So here goes, I have appointments at both the clinics that Sue suggested so we'll just see how those go for now.
The earliest appointments I could get were 17th January at one and 21st January at the other, so till then I guess I just need to concentrate on eating better, doing some calming exercise and my upcoming 40th birthday!

A new year, a new start

Christmas is always a bit of a trial for me, I miss my mum so much and Christmas was always a time she loved and it's such a special time for families that it seems to just make it all that much harder.

Christmas in our house is a quiet affair these days but this year it gave me plenty of time to think about things and look things up on the internet as well as order a book off of Amazon which 'is famous for getting women pregnant when everything else fails'. Yay....bring it on.

I made the decision over the holidays that this was it, I needed to do absolutely everything I could to make this work for me and that's just what I was going to do. Starting with lifestyle and healthy eating. As of today no alcohol, no caffeine, more exercise and loads of vegetables.......I don't think I even really like vegetables!

One of the things I have read about and seen reference to on the internet is acupuncture and its positive effects on fertility.
A couple of  years ago a sports therapist tried to do acupuncture on me but I really wasn't convinced and haven't done anything like that since but desperate times need desperate measures.

A bit of an internet search threw up a couple of places in my home town and one about a 20 minute drive away so I called them all. The first one I spoke to made me laugh and I vowed not to call them again as when I explained that I was interested in acupuncture to undertake alongside IVF he very strongly said instead of IVF!! Mmm right.....good luck with that one as without a bloke acupuncture on it's own is doing absolutely nothing for me!
The next one I called was the one a 20 minute drive away but a couple of comments on forums recommended her and shes also worked at The Zita West fertility clinic in London. On the phone Sue sounded so calm, honest and lovely, I was sold.
Unfortunately she didn't have an appointment free until 12th January but in the meantime asked me where I had gone for the consultation and suggested that I look at other clinics as being private I could, she suggested two other clinics not far from me to try and so I gave them both a call.

Of course any appointment I make is going to cost money but I do want the best treatment I can get so I just need to plow on right now.