Its another negative :-((

I knew it was going to be a negative test, I just knew it. :-( But it doesn't make it any easier.
I've had no symptoms other than what I've already mentioned and that hasn't been a lot and really I just haven't felt pregnant, not that I know what that's like anyway.

I'm so upset, I got out of bed to do the test then got straight back into bed and just cried. It really is a desperately sad moment each time there's a negative, I just have no idea whether this is ever going to work, if I could see into the future and see if this could ever happen then I'd feel better I'm sure, but that's just not possible and I live in the never knowing. I just so desperately want this to happen and I know without a shadow of a doubt that I can provide a safe and loving home for a child, it may not be the richest home but it will be the most loving.
In the meantime though it hasn't worked for me again and I'm absolutely devastated. I spoke to my aunt and got very woe is me and depressive and upset on the phone. I know that's a very dangerous road to take and I know without a doubt that I have to keep sane here, I have to keep myself from going insane and really loosing it after each let down but it is hard, very very hard. It's very hard to put into words how I'm feeling right now, I feel complete loss for what could have been and I feel sad, desperate and depressed, this is such a tough journey and I thought this time I had a real chance.

I let everyone know via text and email and phone call then set about getting myself together to head off to the allotment again. Anything to keep me busy. I'm really not in the mood for anyone saying anything stupid or doing annoying to me today so be warned!

After months and months of next doors dog barking and howling all day I finally got really pissed off this morning when it started at 7am, and went round to speak to them just to be faced with a barrage of aggression from my neighbours mother!! Really don't mess with me today, not today of all days!! I gave as good as I got and hopefully made her feel really stupid after asking her several times to not be so aggressive. Bloody stupid dog!

Down at the allotment there's the usual suspects and I really don't have a lot of time for anyone today but I'm trying, just don't say anything stupid to me and we'll be just fine.

A car show

Today we had a car show. I did a pregnancy test in the morning and it was negative but I'm still hopeful that this cycle may have worked I mean it's still a couple of days before I'm actually supposed to do the test although if I'm totally honest I don't think it has worked again.

The car show was nice as usual. The weather was nice and very hot when the sun was out. Again there were a few people there we knew and do you know what, I really am fed up with people asking me about my job, 'been anyway nice recently', that's all they ever ask and it really is getting very boring now, especially after 17 years!! I'm not a major fan of my job anymore and I'd love to leave but to do what?? Anything, at least then they'd stop asking the stupid questions.
Sadly I don't think that's an option right now and for now I have to keep flying!

I sound really narky at the moment don't I? I'm not usually, usually I'm very calm but with all this that's going on I'm feeling stressed and I really just have energy for the IVF at the moment, that's all and nothing more.

Trying to stay calm and collected

It really is a bit of a battle trying to stay calm and positive at times but I really am doing the best I can.

Today was another day at the allotment, it's good for my sanity.....I hope. I think the potatoes are nearly ready which is very exciting and I don't think it'll be long before the onions and garlic are ready. All very exciting really.

Tonight I'm out watching an ABBA tribute band which should be great fun and will make a change as I haven't been out anywhere in quite a while. It's so annoying really, I spend all this time off work and actually do not a lot!

Either way I'm back to work next week, I don't want to go and I'm certainly not looking forward to it but until I can find something else to pay the bills then I've got o do it. It does always amaze me though, I have all these plans for when I'm off of all the things I'm going to do and all the things I'm going to sort out and once again I don't actually seem to have done many of them. Some of them yes, but not all of them. I have leave coming up as well next month and I have absolutely no plans in place at the moment, I'd love to go to Scotland for some walking but with what money and with whom?? I'll have a think about it.

Another day of no symptoms or maybe there was!

Well as the title says, another day of no symptoms or maybe there was and maybe I'm missing them or putting them down as something else.
My uncle visited today and as I was just sitting in the house doing nothing just chatting I felt a little dizzy and lightheaded which apparently could be a sign and before he arrived I felt a little dizzy upstairs and lost my balance a little. Is this in fact a sign or is this just me? Oh I don't know.
I had a couple of very small stomach twinges and a little more discharge today but other than that not a great deal going on. 
The evidence does say that only from tomorrow does the hormone that's produced in pregnancy begin to enter the blood stream but I'm still going to do a test in the morning I think.
This really is a hard wait.

No embryos in the freezer :-(

I did a test this morning when I got up and it's definitely negative so the trigger shot has definitely left my body now. Now I just need another positive pleeeeeeeeeaaaaasssssseeee!! :-)))

The clinic didn't call last night so first thing this morning I called them again and actually got someone rather than an answer machine which makes a change. They did apologise for not calling me Saturday or yesterday to let me know the details but the end result is that unfortunately they were not able to freeze either of my remaining embryos. It's a huge disappointment I can't deny it, I was really hoping that I'd get another chance at this if this chance doesn't work but sadly not.  :-(

But on the up side, the embryologist told me that one of the embryos did actually reach blastocyst which is where they want them to reach but that sadly it just wasn't good enough to freeze and the other one reached one stage below blastocyst so that's good news and of course the hope is that the two better quality embryos that were transferred would have definitely reached blastocyst as the better place is in my body apparently so the hope is that they also implant ok. I really do have everything crossed at the moment.

I've had mild twinges today in my lower tummy and I had some white discharge again but apart from that I can't say there's been any symptoms at all. Of course I'm trying not to read too much on the internet but it does seem that other people have had some symptoms by now, a bit of sickness or changes in their boobs. I'm really trying to stay positive but it is hard. I still  think there's every chance this can work, I mean why wouldn't it? Good embryos, good conditions, what can possibly go wrong?? I just wish I was feeling something or wish I had some kind of insight into the future to see if this will ever work for me. I wish I had a crystal ball!!

A little nauseous!

Ok perhaps I'm reading things in to everything now, I don't know.
The last couple of nights have been disturbed sleep for me I've been very hot at night and waking up several times, it could well be all of the procedure on my mind not helping or it could be something else, something better!
This morning though I woke up and after I got moving a bit started to feel a bit sicky. Not a lot but a little bit and although it has subsided a bit during the day it does keep coming back. I'm really struggling food wise to know what I want to eat from one day to the next and the sicky feeling doesn't help at the moment. I don't know why, I'm just finding I have no enthusiasm for food at the moment at all. I attempted a quiche yesterday but it just really wasn't as good as I thought it would have been and then I worried that I hadn't cooked it properly. I've really got to do better with food, I'm supposed to have protein every day but I'm just not liking meat really at the moment, of course if someone was to cook me a gorgeous roast chicken dinner I wouldn't turn it down! No hope of that then. Ha ha!!

On another note, the clinic was supposed to let me know on Saturday if my other two embryos were freezable or not and they didn't, so this afternoon I called them up and left a message on the answer phone and as of 5.15 pm they haven't called me back. It's things like that that I find really annoying in life in general.  If you say you're going to let someone know something then let them know, and if they then call you up because you haven't let them know then the least you can do is call them back isn't it??

A little discharge (TMI, sorry)

It's bank holiday this weekend and today is set to be another gorgeous day. Dad and I have a car run today which should be nice in this weather. We're taking my car this time as we took dads for a car show a few weeks ago. So off we go and not too early which is always good.

The roads are crazily busy and the run takes us down through Hastings seafront, I'm not sure that was the best idea. The road was solid with traffic and we even had a slight alteration with a couple of very stupid, immature, horrible little boys in the car behind because they didn't realise it was my right of way! What I should have done was get out and told them exactly what was what but I guess it's only afterwards you ever think about these things and all the cutting things you could have said to them. ;-)

The car run was lovely, me and dad had a good time together after we'd both got over the shock of the two nasties. We stopped off at a farm shop for a coffee and then at Bodiam castle for the finish and a lunch stop which was lovely, it's a lovely spot and it was so busy with families and couples, I think I'll have to ear mark this place for when my family from America come to visit in a couple of months.
Then after we'd had lunch and a bit of a wander around we found out that we'd won! It's really finny cause we were joking about it earlier in the day as the prize is usually a bottle of wine and of course dad doesn't like wine and I'm not drinking at the moment but it turned out the prize was a packet of Twixs, in actual fact two packets of Twixs, so good all round.

We made a steady run back home and its amazing how much petrol these old cars use up cause it was only when we were nowhere near a petrol station that I realised we had almost no fuel! It's a little like the story of my life to be honest, I have a bit of a history with vehicles and running very low on fuel, never out of fuel but at times worryingly low in fuel. This time we were lucky though and managed to make it home to the first petrol station almost on fumes!

Not my car! 

Geared up with more fuel we decide to pop down to the allotment to give it another water. It's meant to rain tomorrow but seeing as the plants have only just gone in yesterday I really think they should have a good chance and a good watering. the allotments were quite busy but then it was a lovely day. We'd only gone down to water but of course the hose point was busy for a good half hour so we just chatted to some of the others and good news, I finally got a chance to say to my neighbour about a communal footpath and how he's supposed to leave a foot his side as I've left a foot my side. I've been a bit nervous about mentioning it to them as I really don't want them to think I'm being petty or silly but the thing is I've already given up a foot my side for a path and effectively lost that foot if they don't then do the same. Manwell first said he'd heard whispers about it but didn't think it actually had to happen but then his partner, Gail, who had overheard us came over and said oh yes they knew about it and would be doing it at some point. I said of course there's no rush but I just didn't know if they knew about it. Hopefully it all came across ok because the last thing you want is to fall out with your allotment neighbours isn't it? They seemed happy though and they're friendly enough which of course is nice. Lets see if it happens, I'm in absolutely no rush but if I'm honest I would like it to happen and then it's all exactly how it's meant to be. :-)

I almost forgot to write about the title of this post! Ha ha!
So we'd been sitting in the car most of the day which I'm not sure had an impact or not but I noticed some white discharge, now I know that really is way too much information but I usually only get it when I'm ovulating so immediately I got the chance I was on google and it says it could be a very early sign of pregnancy! :-)) Of course that's fantastic news, the best news ever but as well I'm not counting any chickens yet as other websites said that other women had had this but weren't then pregnant. So many websites and so much information it's really hard at times to know what's right and what's wrong and of course at the end of the day every woman is different and react differently to pregnancies but that's interesting news isn't it? I think there's a very good chance I'm going to do another test in the next couple of days. ;-)