Trying to stay calm and collected

It really is a bit of a battle trying to stay calm and positive at times but I really am doing the best I can.

Today was another day at the allotment, it's good for my sanity.....I hope. I think the potatoes are nearly ready which is very exciting and I don't think it'll be long before the onions and garlic are ready. All very exciting really.

Tonight I'm out watching an ABBA tribute band which should be great fun and will make a change as I haven't been out anywhere in quite a while. It's so annoying really, I spend all this time off work and actually do not a lot!

Either way I'm back to work next week, I don't want to go and I'm certainly not looking forward to it but until I can find something else to pay the bills then I've got o do it. It does always amaze me though, I have all these plans for when I'm off of all the things I'm going to do and all the things I'm going to sort out and once again I don't actually seem to have done many of them. Some of them yes, but not all of them. I have leave coming up as well next month and I have absolutely no plans in place at the moment, I'd love to go to Scotland for some walking but with what money and with whom?? I'll have a think about it.

Another day of no symptoms or maybe there was!

Well as the title says, another day of no symptoms or maybe there was and maybe I'm missing them or putting them down as something else.
My uncle visited today and as I was just sitting in the house doing nothing just chatting I felt a little dizzy and lightheaded which apparently could be a sign and before he arrived I felt a little dizzy upstairs and lost my balance a little. Is this in fact a sign or is this just me? Oh I don't know.
I had a couple of very small stomach twinges and a little more discharge today but other than that not a great deal going on. 
The evidence does say that only from tomorrow does the hormone that's produced in pregnancy begin to enter the blood stream but I'm still going to do a test in the morning I think.
This really is a hard wait.

No embryos in the freezer :-(

I did a test this morning when I got up and it's definitely negative so the trigger shot has definitely left my body now. Now I just need another positive pleeeeeeeeeaaaaasssssseeee!! :-)))

The clinic didn't call last night so first thing this morning I called them again and actually got someone rather than an answer machine which makes a change. They did apologise for not calling me Saturday or yesterday to let me know the details but the end result is that unfortunately they were not able to freeze either of my remaining embryos. It's a huge disappointment I can't deny it, I was really hoping that I'd get another chance at this if this chance doesn't work but sadly not.  :-(

But on the up side, the embryologist told me that one of the embryos did actually reach blastocyst which is where they want them to reach but that sadly it just wasn't good enough to freeze and the other one reached one stage below blastocyst so that's good news and of course the hope is that the two better quality embryos that were transferred would have definitely reached blastocyst as the better place is in my body apparently so the hope is that they also implant ok. I really do have everything crossed at the moment.

I've had mild twinges today in my lower tummy and I had some white discharge again but apart from that I can't say there's been any symptoms at all. Of course I'm trying not to read too much on the internet but it does seem that other people have had some symptoms by now, a bit of sickness or changes in their boobs. I'm really trying to stay positive but it is hard. I still  think there's every chance this can work, I mean why wouldn't it? Good embryos, good conditions, what can possibly go wrong?? I just wish I was feeling something or wish I had some kind of insight into the future to see if this will ever work for me. I wish I had a crystal ball!!

A little nauseous!

Ok perhaps I'm reading things in to everything now, I don't know.
The last couple of nights have been disturbed sleep for me I've been very hot at night and waking up several times, it could well be all of the procedure on my mind not helping or it could be something else, something better!
This morning though I woke up and after I got moving a bit started to feel a bit sicky. Not a lot but a little bit and although it has subsided a bit during the day it does keep coming back. I'm really struggling food wise to know what I want to eat from one day to the next and the sicky feeling doesn't help at the moment. I don't know why, I'm just finding I have no enthusiasm for food at the moment at all. I attempted a quiche yesterday but it just really wasn't as good as I thought it would have been and then I worried that I hadn't cooked it properly. I've really got to do better with food, I'm supposed to have protein every day but I'm just not liking meat really at the moment, of course if someone was to cook me a gorgeous roast chicken dinner I wouldn't turn it down! No hope of that then. Ha ha!!

On another note, the clinic was supposed to let me know on Saturday if my other two embryos were freezable or not and they didn't, so this afternoon I called them up and left a message on the answer phone and as of 5.15 pm they haven't called me back. It's things like that that I find really annoying in life in general.  If you say you're going to let someone know something then let them know, and if they then call you up because you haven't let them know then the least you can do is call them back isn't it??

A little discharge (TMI, sorry)

It's bank holiday this weekend and today is set to be another gorgeous day. Dad and I have a car run today which should be nice in this weather. We're taking my car this time as we took dads for a car show a few weeks ago. So off we go and not too early which is always good.

The roads are crazily busy and the run takes us down through Hastings seafront, I'm not sure that was the best idea. The road was solid with traffic and we even had a slight alteration with a couple of very stupid, immature, horrible little boys in the car behind because they didn't realise it was my right of way! What I should have done was get out and told them exactly what was what but I guess it's only afterwards you ever think about these things and all the cutting things you could have said to them. ;-)

The car run was lovely, me and dad had a good time together after we'd both got over the shock of the two nasties. We stopped off at a farm shop for a coffee and then at Bodiam castle for the finish and a lunch stop which was lovely, it's a lovely spot and it was so busy with families and couples, I think I'll have to ear mark this place for when my family from America come to visit in a couple of months.
Then after we'd had lunch and a bit of a wander around we found out that we'd won! It's really finny cause we were joking about it earlier in the day as the prize is usually a bottle of wine and of course dad doesn't like wine and I'm not drinking at the moment but it turned out the prize was a packet of Twixs, in actual fact two packets of Twixs, so good all round.

We made a steady run back home and its amazing how much petrol these old cars use up cause it was only when we were nowhere near a petrol station that I realised we had almost no fuel! It's a little like the story of my life to be honest, I have a bit of a history with vehicles and running very low on fuel, never out of fuel but at times worryingly low in fuel. This time we were lucky though and managed to make it home to the first petrol station almost on fumes!

Not my car! 

Geared up with more fuel we decide to pop down to the allotment to give it another water. It's meant to rain tomorrow but seeing as the plants have only just gone in yesterday I really think they should have a good chance and a good watering. the allotments were quite busy but then it was a lovely day. We'd only gone down to water but of course the hose point was busy for a good half hour so we just chatted to some of the others and good news, I finally got a chance to say to my neighbour about a communal footpath and how he's supposed to leave a foot his side as I've left a foot my side. I've been a bit nervous about mentioning it to them as I really don't want them to think I'm being petty or silly but the thing is I've already given up a foot my side for a path and effectively lost that foot if they don't then do the same. Manwell first said he'd heard whispers about it but didn't think it actually had to happen but then his partner, Gail, who had overheard us came over and said oh yes they knew about it and would be doing it at some point. I said of course there's no rush but I just didn't know if they knew about it. Hopefully it all came across ok because the last thing you want is to fall out with your allotment neighbours isn't it? They seemed happy though and they're friendly enough which of course is nice. Lets see if it happens, I'm in absolutely no rush but if I'm honest I would like it to happen and then it's all exactly how it's meant to be. :-)

I almost forgot to write about the title of this post! Ha ha!
So we'd been sitting in the car most of the day which I'm not sure had an impact or not but I noticed some white discharge, now I know that really is way too much information but I usually only get it when I'm ovulating so immediately I got the chance I was on google and it says it could be a very early sign of pregnancy! :-)) Of course that's fantastic news, the best news ever but as well I'm not counting any chickens yet as other websites said that other women had had this but weren't then pregnant. So many websites and so much information it's really hard at times to know what's right and what's wrong and of course at the end of the day every woman is different and react differently to pregnancies but that's interesting news isn't it? I think there's a very good chance I'm going to do another test in the next couple of days. ;-)

Not much time to stand still

I'm doing my best to keep busy and take my mind off of it all at the moment. I know that's the best away forward for me, I'm not one for sitting around doing nothing and just thinking about what could or couldn't happen, that's just a disaster for me but sometimes as well it's difficult to know what to do to keep busy. I have a mountain of things I should be doing at home but it's hard to get motivated sometimes, I'm better being out and about I think.

So today I'm off for probably a full day on the allotment. Some books and websites tell you that after embryo transfer there should be at least two days of bed rest and then just take it easy after that but my clinic just said take it easy for the day or transfer and then carry on as normal after that and after popping to see my acupuncturist on Thursday she said that light gardening is ok so here I go.

I got down to the allotment by about 11.30 and made a start, it's looking to be a lovely day, nice and warm although a little windy as usual. I've got lots of weeding to do around the potatoes, there's a real sense of achievement when it's all looking nice again and weed free and the potatoes are looking amazing as is everything else actually. It's not easy work though so I don't know about light gardening although I do take it as easy as I can. Dad came down around 12 ish and we set about finishing off the bug house, it looks fantastic now and all ready for the bugs to start moving in, it even has a beautiful tiled roof, thanks dad!

                                                                My beautiful bug house

My aunt popped down about 2 and after a sit down and a chat she then gave me a hand planting the plants she'd bought me back from holiday as well as the few I still had left trying to grow at home. Now all I have at home is leeks, some eggplant and 3 tomato plants. I'm really holding out for a proper green house that I can have at the allotment which would be great for tomato plants and growing seeds next time around. Next year when the label says grow inside I'm not going to take it quite so by the book and will sow the seeds in a greenhouse instead! This year all my seeds I grew inside first and I think it was just too hot for them and they've all grown leggy and probably won't do too much to be honest, I've planted them anyway though so we'll see.

We finished off at the allotment at 7pm!! And by the time I got home I barely had the energy to get some fish and chips before a shower and bed, I was shattered and considering I hadn't actually done any digging or planting I dread to think how my aunt's feeling.

A test too early.

So talking of too early I decided to do a pregnancy test, the first of which I did the day before embryo transfer! Ha ha, that's crazy I know and completely pointless but I just wanted to see if the trigger shots really did show a positive result for a few days after and guess what?? They do! So at least that's confirmed that. It was a very faint line but a line all the same. Some women test out the trigger shot just so they know when the drug has left their body and that any pregnancy result after that would be a real one. I'll probably do that but I'm not sure I'll be that obsessed with it to be honest, after all what will be, will be right?
Although I also did another test this morning. I thought the drug would have completely left by now but it hadn't and then looking online it seems it could take a few more days yet.

Today I'm off to a Beer and Cider festival which is a bit ironic really as I neither like either and of course at the moment I'm not even drinking either but it was a new festival and a couple of friends were going so I thought it'd be nice to sit in the sun and listen to some live music. I was really hoping that they'd have some nice apple juices like other cider producers I know of but sadly not and the only alternative was coke, diet coke, lemonade or water so after I'd drunk as many lemonades as physically possible I moved back on to the water and listened to the music whilst trying to stay warm. In the sun it was beautiful but behind the clouds that kept going by it was freezing. The great British weather huh??

It was a lovely day though and topped off by the sunshine carnival at 4pm! Which the only people I'd say had any sunshine in them were the Harley Davidson riders, some of the dancers were seriously miserable, oh well you can't have it all I guess.