A trip to London and the CRGH

After much research and looking at different success rates and fertility forums I've decided on the CRGH up in London for another opinion. This is going to be my third opinion! A part of me wonders if I really am flogging a dead horse here, I mean really what can they tell me new? How can my hormone levels possibly be different and therefore better?
I had an appointment today with Dr Irfana Koita-Kazi, I've chose to have an appointment with her based purely on her expertise with women of suboptimal ovarian reserve which I believe is me. The appointment was at 12.00 and it's a two and a half hour journey to get there, it sounds crazy doesn't it but they have such great success rates that I have to give it a go.

Dr Irfana was very nice and very optimistic which is nice to see, one thing she did say that I think will always stay with me, when I told her that the last clinic told me that I may be entering the menopause she replied we were all entering the menopause! I thought that was really nice of her and really optimistic, that's what I need.
Dr Irfana described to me Natural Cycle IVF, this is where no drugs are used and you rely purely on the body for selecting the one good quality egg and going from there. Of course there are pros and cons but it's another avenue to look at which is what I wanted. The doctor at the last clinic said it was my egg quality that was the problem and Dr Irfana said that when you do regular IVF and produce multiple eggs the egg quality could diminish and so by focusing on just one egg there is a far better chance of a good quality egg. Lets hope so.
She explained that there are chances when at different stages along the way the cycle may not continue, either the follicle contains no egg, or the follicle isn't growing, or if they do get an egg then it may not fertilise and if it does it may not continue to grow for three days and if it does it may not implant. Lots and lots of ifs but I'm willing to give it a go, I'm willing to put my trust in someone with more optimism. :-)
The doctor went on to explain that on the second day of my period I would need to come up to the clinic for the usual blood test and scan to check follicles and hormone levels then from day 7/8 I would need to come up everyday until the follicle reaches the desired size when i would then have a day off before needing to be at the clinic again for egg collection, then hopefully if an egg is collected and fertilised it would be transferred back in three days later. Ok......lets get started!

Oops first though I need to transfer the two vials of sperm I have on ice in Brighton.

Next attempt

It's been a relatively quiet week after the family left and I've been looking forward with great hope to my next period (now that does sound mad doesn't it?!) to see if I can start treatment again. I'm even more determined now, I'm determined that one way or another I'm going to have a child and god help anyone who stands in my way! 

Today I went along for yet another blood test and scan and they rang me late this afternoon with the results.
My FSH is 16.7 which is too high for treatment but as well as that they said that another hormone they tested, LH I believe, was getting quite high and they wouldn't recommend treatment with those values anyway, the nurse then went on to say that my hormone levels were indicative of entering the menopause! What?? I'm 40 FFS! And really do they really think that was the best way to tell someone over the phone? I was really shocked. My LH is something that hasn't been mentioned before and basically I had absolutely no idea what she was talking about. Of course she said it didn't necessarily meant the menopause but hey the damage is done now, the seed of worry has been planted and now I have to try and process that! Thanks a lot guys!! :-(( I'm really not happy with them at all and of course I then started to think perhaps I sould have just gone for treatment last month after all, at least then my FSH was a little lower, from what they were saying this afternoon it may now just be too late! :-((

On that note I've decided to change clinics. I like the one I'm at, I do, at times (!), but I just don't think that really they're looking at the whole picture and I'm not sure they're that interested in me as a person, I think it's just facts and figures to them. Not all of us fit into a mould though and sometimes miracles do happen, just not there!

Family visit

This month has been really busy with my family visiting from America. I've been off of work for a bit too which has been nice, it's given me a chance to recharge my batteries and take a look at whats really going on in my life.

One of my options at the end of a long list of children options is adoption  and being around my nieces this month really gave me some perspective on that I think. I know they're my nieces and obviously related to me but they're not actually mine and the last couple of weeks with them has made me realise that I can love a child really really deeply that isn't biologically mine. I now that might sound a bit crazy but a fear I had/have when looking into egg donation and/or adoption is that I wonder if the child would ever really feel like mine, I wonder if I would ever love them the same as if they were biologically mine, the last thing I would ever what to do with any of the processes I'm going through or intend to go through is damage an innocent child. A child that I have is going to have a hard enough journey anyway I think due to the circumstances surrounding it's arrival and the last thing I would ever want to do is make life harder for them but I can honestly say I feel lighter having had them all to visit, I'm confident that I will feel the same as any other mum, that I will love a child that I have been given to care for which ever way they've come to me and they can have as happy a life as any other child. I know I can do this.

Thanks for your visit brother it really meant a lot. :-))

Next try

I've had to take tablets again in the run up to my period, it's just so they can regulate completely when my period is due. I've decided this time that my FSH has to be considerably lower than 15 for me to go through it all again. The thing is as long as it is under 15 you can be treated and they're more than happy to take your money but the reality of it is that the higher the FSH the lower the chance of success is.

Today I went along to the clinic for a scan and blood test to see how it's all looking. I'm feeling like a regular there now. It's July and I've been going there since January, I really never thought it would take this long to get pregnant, I knew when I went to see the doctor in Eastbourne that it wasn't looking good for me but still I thought I might be one of the lucky ones, after all, why not, why not me?!

This evening the clinic called me and it's not good news. My FSH was 14.2 so whilst it is under 15 not by very much at all.The first month I tried treatment back in March and they cancelled the cycle and I had IUI instead my FSH was 14.8 so based purely on that I've decided to not go ahead with treatment this month and wait till next month and see what my hormones are doing then.

This is the one and only time that I wished the time between periods was shorter! Its such a loing wait between appointments when all you want to do is get started again. The thing is the doctor said that this should really be my last attempt so I'm keen to make it a good go, to give myself every possible oportunity that I can. I deserve that after all! :-)

In the meantime I'm constantly googling supplements that I can take and different alternative medicines I can explore. Anything really. My latest is Chinese Medicine.
I've been going to a Tai Chi class at my local gym and the guy who runs that class is also a chinese medicine doctor. He seems like a nice guy so I'm going to give him a go. I'll let you know!

I've also got family coming over from America this month too, it's my brother and his family and I haven't seen them in two years so I'm really looking forward to it and I know it'll give me something to take my mind off of the last 7 months treatment. Hes got two little girls so as well I know I'll be looking at them and wondering about my dreams.

Follow up appointment

I was really heartbroken about my last attempt not working and I honestly thought it must be that there was a problem with implantation but after going back to see the doctor she told me that it was the quality of my eggs that was the problem! Well that was a massive blow. Thats really was like telling me to forget it you have no chance, you're too old and way past it, I was really upset by what she was saying and tried to understand it but struggled with the facts to be honest. The doctor has suggested that I could give it another go if I wanted but that after that she realy didn't think it was worth it. I feel like that is a real sentence, that the next time is my very last go then forget it. If money was no object I'd just keep going and going because after all it's got to work at some point hasn't it? But here she is telling me that really the chances are that it wont!

I've decided to have another go (I know I'll just keep trying and trying) and see what happens and then go from there but I guess the reality is that I have to think properly about egg donation. In the meantime though I just need to wait until my next period.

Back to it all then

I had a really lovely time in London with my friends, we hired a Barclays Boris bike for me (they both have bikes) and we cycled everywhere. Michael is a great tour guide, pointing out places here and there. I told him and his partner about what I've been doing and why and they were very supportive, it was just really nice to get it off my chest to be honest. It's not a massive secret and if I do conceive then of course it wont be a secret but the thing is it may not even happen so the few people as possible that know the few people  as possible that I have to tell it hasn't worked!
It was great mentally to have a break away, I think if I'd have stayed at home I would have got really down about everything. I am down, don't get me wrong but coming up to London has allowed me to relax a bit and see what else there is in the world. Thank you Michael, I really needed it. :-)

Feeling a little better

After yesterday I wasn't sure I'd feel so good today but surprisingly after a good nights sleep I feel as good as I can do I think. I did another pregnancy test this morning just in case.......still negative though. :-((
Although I don't feel quite so sad and desperate as I did yesterday I still feel a little hopeless and I'm just so scared that this is never going to work for me and that I'm never going to have the chance to have a child of my own. That scars the hell out of me, it really does.

This afternoon dad and I went down to the allotment again to do a few bits and pieces, as I've said before this is good for me really, I enjoy doing the allotment and it keeps me nice and busy, it's a solitary thing really apart from with dad but that's still fine it keeps me busy and that's the main thing.

Tomorrow I'm off to London for a couple of days to see a friend, I'm really looking forward to that too and again it'll be another chance to take my mind of off everything else that's going on. I've also made another appointment at the clinic for a follow up and to see what happens now, that's next Wednesday.